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w THE 

PHILANDERER 



AN UNPLEASANT PLAY 



By 

BERNARD SHAW 



i /7 V 




NEW YORK 

BRENTANO'S 
1913 

Copy 



.Fs 

I Oi | "5 



Copyright, 1898, by George Bernard Shaw 



Copyright, 1898, by Herbert 8. Stone & Co. 



Copyright, 1905, by Brentano's 



©CIA361160 ,. 



THE PHILANDERER 



- 



THE PHILANDERER 



ACT I 

A lady and gentleman are making love to one another in the 
drawing-room of a fat in Ashly Gardens in the Victoria dis- 
trict of London. It is past ten at night. Tat walls are hung 
with theatrical engravings and photographs — Kemble as Ham- 
let, Mrs. Siddons as Queen Katharine pleading in court, 
Macready as Werner (after Maclise), Sir Henry Irving as 
Richard III (after Long), Miss Ellen Terry, Mrs. Kendal. 
Miss Ada Rehan, Madame Sarah Bernhardt, Mr. Henry 
Arthur Jones, Mr, A, W. Pinero, Mr. Sydney Grundy, and 
so on, but not the Sign or a Duse or anyone connected with Ibsen. 
The room is not a perfect square, the right hand corner at the 
back being cut off diagonally by the doorway, and the opposite 
corner rounded by a turret window filled up with a stand of 
flowers surrounding a statue of Shakespear. The fireplace is 
on the right, with an armchair near it. A small round table, 
further forward on the same side, with a chair beside it, has 
a yellow-backed French novel lying open on it. The piano, a 
grand, is on the left, open, with the keyboard in full view at 
right angles to the wall. The piece of music on the desk is 
" When other lips. 1 * Incandescent lights, well shaded, are 
on the piano and mantelpiece. Near the piano is a sofa, on 
which the lady and gentleman are seated affectionately side by 
side, in one another's arms. 



6 The Philanderer Act I 

The lady, Grace Tranfield, is about 32, slight of build, 
delicate of feature, and sensitive in expression. She is just 
now given up to the emotion of the moment ; but her well 
closed mouth, proudly set brows, firm chin, and elegant car- 
riage show plenty of determination and self respect. She is in 
evening dress. 

The gentleman, Leonard Charteris, a few years older, is 
unconventionally but smartly dressed in a velvet jacket and 
cashmere trousers. His collar, dyed Wotan blue, is part of 
his shirt, and turns over a garnet coloured scarf of Indian 
silk, secured by a torquoise ring. He wears blue socks and 
leather sandals. The arrangement of his tawny hair, and of 
his moustaches and short beard, is apparently left to Nature; 
but he has taken care that Nature shall do him the fullest 
justice. His amative enthusiasm, at which he is himself 
laughing, and his clever, imaginative, humorous ways, con- 
trast strongly with the sincere tenderness and dignified quiet- 
ness of the woman. 

charteris (impulsively clasping Grace). My dearest love. 

grace (responding affectionately'). My darling. Are you 
happy? 

charteris. In Heaven. 

grace. My own. 

charteris. My heart's love. (He sighs happily, and 
takes her hands in his, looking quaintly at her.) That must 
positively be my last kiss, Grace, or I shall become down- 
right silly. Let us talk. (Releases her and sits a little 
apart from her.) Grace: is this your first love affair? 

grace. Have you forgotten that I am a widow? Do you 
think I married Tranfield for money? 

charteris. How do I know? Besides, you might have 
married him not because you loved him, but because you 
didn't love anybody else. When one is young, one marries 
out of mere curiosity, just to see what it's like. 

grace. Well, since you ask me, I never was in love 



Act I The Philanderer 7 

with Tranfield, though I only found that out when I fell in 
love with you. But I used to like him for being in love 
with me. It brought out all the good in him so much that 
I have wanted to be in love with some one ever since. I 
hope, now that I am in love with you, you will like me for 
it just as I liked Tranfield. 

charteris. My dear, it is because I like you that I want 
to marry you. I could love anybody — any pretty woman, 
that is. 

grace. Do you really mean that, Leonard ? 

charteris. Of course. Why not ? 

grace (reflecting). Never mind why. Now tell me, 
is this your first love affair ? 

charteris (amazed at the simplicity of the question). No, 
bless my soul. No — nor my second, nor my third. 

grace. But I mean your first serious one. 

charteris {with a certain hesitation) . Yes. (There is a 
pause. She is not convinced. He adds, with a very percep- 
tible load on his conscience. ) It is the first in which / have 
been serious. 

grace (searchingly) . I see. The other parties were al- 
ways serious. 

charteris. No, not always — heaven forbid ! 

grace. How often ? 

charteris. Well, once. 

grace. Julia Craven ? 

charteris (recoiling). Who told you that ? (She shakes 
her head mysteriously, and he turns away from her moodily 
and adds) You had much better not have asked. 

grace (gently). I'm sorry, dear. (She puts out her 
hand and pulls softly at him to bring him near her again. ) 

charteris (yielding mechanically to the pull, and allowing 
her hand to rest on his arm, but sitting squarely without the 
least attempt to return the caress.) Do I feel harder to the 
touch than I did five minutes ago ? 



8 The Philanderer Act I 

grace. What nonsense ! 

charteris. I feel as if my body had turned into the 
toughest of hickory. That is what comes of reminding me 
of Julia Craven. (Brooding, with bis chin on bis right band 
and bis elbow on bis knee. ) I have sat alone with her just 
as I am sitting with you 

grace (shrinking from him). Just ! 

charteris (sitting upright and facing her steadily). Just 
exactly. She has put her hands in mine, and laid her 
cheek against mine, and listened to me saying all sorts of 
silly things. (Grace, chilled to the soul, rises from the sofa 
and sits down on the piano stool, with her back to the keyboard.) 
Ah, you don't want to hear any more of the story. So 
much the better. 

grace (deeply hurt, but controlling herself). When did 
you break it off? 

charteris (guiltily). Break it off? 

grace (firmly) Yes, break it off. 

charteris. Well, let me see. When did I fall in love 
with you ? 

grace. Did you break it off then ? 

charteris (mischievously, making it plainer and plainer 
that it has not been broken off). It was clear then, of course, 
that it must be broken off. 

grace. And d i d you break it off ? 

charteris. Oh, yes : / broke it off. 

grace. But did she break it off? 

charteris (rising). As a favour to me, dearest, change 
the subject. Come away from the piano : I want you to 
sit here with me. ( Takes a step towards her. ) 

grace. No. I also have grown hard to the touch — much 
harder than hickory for the present. Did she break it off? 

charteris. My dear, be reasonable. It was fully ex- 
plained to her that it was to be broken off. 

grace. Did she accept the explanation i 



Act I The Philanderer 9 

charteris. She did what a womanlike Julia always does. 
When I explained personally, she said it was not my better 
self that was speaking, and that she knew I still really loved 
her. When I wrote it to her with brutal explicitness, she 
read the letter carefully and then sent it back to me with a 
note to say that she had not had the courage to open it, and 
that I ought to be ashamed of having written it. ( Comes be- 
side Grace, and puts bis left hand caressingly round ber neck.) 
You see, dearie, she won't look the situation in the face. 

grace {shaking off bis band and turning a little away on 
the stool). I am afraid, from the light way in which you 
speak of it, you did not sound the right chord. 

charteris. My dear, when you are doing what a woman 
calls breaking her heart, you may sound the very prettiest 
chords you can find on the piano ; but to her ears it is just 
like this — (Sits down on tbe bass end of 'the keyboard. Grace 
puts ber fingers in ber ears. He rises and moves away from 
tbe piano, saying) No, my dear: I've been kind; I've 
been frank ; I've been everything that a goodnatured man 
could be : she only takes it as the making up of a lover's 
quarrel. (Grace winces.) Frankness and kindness : one is as 
the other — especially frankness. I've tried both. {He 
crosses to tbe fireplace, and stands facing the fire, looking at 
the ornaments on tbe mantelpiece and warming bis bands. ) 

grace {Her voice a little strained). What are you go- 
ing to try now ? 

charteris {on the hearthrug, turning to face her). 
Action, my dear ! Marriage ! ! In that she mu st believe. 
She won't be convinced by anything short of it, because, 
you see, I have had some tremendous philanderings before, 
and have gone back to her after them. 

grace. And so that is why you want to marry me ? 

charteris. I cannot deny it, my love. Yes : it is your 
mission to rescue me from Julia. 

grace {rising). Then, if you please, I decline to be 



10 The Philanderer Act I 

made use of for any such purpose. I will not steal you from 
another woman. (She begins to walk up and down the rtom 
with ominous disquiet.) 

charteris. Steal me ! (Comes towards her.) Grace : 
I have a question to put to you as an advanced woman. 
Mind ! as an advanced woman. Does Julia belong to me ? 
Am I her owner — her master ? 

grace. Certainly not. No woman is the property of a 
man. A woman belongs to herself and to nobody else. 

charteris. Quite right. Ibsen for ever ! That's ex- 
actly my opinion. Now tell me, do I belong to Julia ; or 
have I a right to belong to myself ? 

grace (puzzled}. Of course you have; but 

charteris (interrupting her triumphantly'). Then how 
can you steal me from Julia if I don't belong to her ? (Catch- 
ing her by the shoulders and holding her out at arm y s length 
in front of him.) Eh, little philosopher ? No, my dear : 
if Ibsen sauce is good for the goose, it's good for the gander 
as well. Besides (coaxing her) it was nothing but a philan- 
der with Julia — nothing else in the world, I assure you. 

grace (breaking away from him). So much the worse ! I 
hate your philanderings : they make me ashamed of you 
and of myself. ( Goes to the sofa and sits in the right hand 
corner of it, leaning gloomily on her elbow with her face 
averted.) 

charteris. Grace : you utterly misunderstand the origin 
of my philanderings. (Sits down beside her. ) Listen to me: 
am I a particularly handsome man ? 

grace (turning to him as if astonished at his conceit). No ! 

charteris (triumphantly). You admit it. Am I a well 
dressed man ? 

grace. Not particularly. 

charteris. Of course not. Have I a romantic mysteri- 
ous charm about me? — do I look as if a secret sorrow 
preyed' on me ? — am I gallant to women ? 



Act I The Philanderer 11 

grace. Not in the least. 

charteris. Certainly not. No one can accuse me of it. 
Then whose fault is it that half the women I speak to fall in 
love with me ? Not mine : I hate it : it bores me to dis- 
traction. At first it flattered me — delighted me — that was 
how Julia got me, because she was the first woman who 
had the pluck to make me a declaration. But I soon had 
enough of it ; and at no time have I taken the initiative and 
persecuted women with my advances as women have perse- 
cuted me. Never. Except, of course, in your case. 

grace. Oh, you need not make any exception. I had a 
good deal of trouble to induce you to come and see us. 
You were very coy. 

charteris (fondly, taking her hand). With you, dearest, 
the coyness was sheer coquetry. I loved you from the first, 
and fled only that you might pursue. But come! let us talk 
about something really interesting. (Takes her in his arms.) 
Do you love me better than anyone else in the world? 

grace. I don't think you like to be loved too much. 

charteris. That depends on who the person is. You 
(pressing her to his heart) cannot love me too much: you 
cannot love me half enough. I reproach you every day for 
your coldness — your (Violent double knock heard with- 
out. They start and listen, still in one another's arms, 
hardly daring to breathe.) Who the deuce is calling at this 
hour? 

grace. I can't imagine. (They listen guiltily. The door 
of the flat is opened without. They hastily get away from one 
another.) 

a woman's voice outside. Is Mr. Charteris here? 

charteris (springing up). Julia! The devil! (Stands at 
the left end of the sofa with his bands on it, bending forward 
with his eyes fixed on the door. ) 

grace (rising also). What can she want? 

the voice. Never mind: I will announce myself. (A 



12 The Philanderer Act I 

beautiful, dark, tragic looking woman, in mantle and bonnet, 
appears at the door, raging furiously.} Oh, this is charming. 
I have interrupted a pretty tete-a-tete. Oh, you villain ! 
(She comes straight at Grace. Charter is runs across behind 
the sofa and stops her. She struggles furiously with him. 
Grace preserves her self possession, but retreats quietly to the 
piano. Julia, finding Charteris too strong for her, gives up 
her attempt to get at Grace, but strikes him in the face as she 
frees herself. ) 

charteris (shocked). Oh, Julia, Julia! This is too bad. 

julia. Is it, indeed, too bad? What are you doing up 
here with that woman? You scoundrel! But now listen to 
me; Leonard: you have driven me to desperation; and I 
don't care what I do, or who hears me. I'll not bear it. 
She shall not have my place with you 

CHARTERIS. Sh-sh! 

julia. No, no: I don't care: I will expose her true 
character before everybody. You belong to me: you have 
no right to be here; and she knows it. 

charteris. I think you had better let me take you home, 
Julia. 

julia. I will not. I am not going home: I am going to 
stay here — here — until I have made you give her up. 

charteris. My dear, you must be reasonable. You 
really cannot stay in Mrs. Tranfield's house if she objects. 
She can ring the bell and have us both put out. 

julia. Let her do it then. Let her ring the bell if she 
dares. Let us see how this pure virtuous creature will face 
the scandal of what I will declare about her. Let us see 
how you will face it. I have nothing to lose. Everybody 
knows how you have treated me: you have boasted of your 
conquests, you poor pitiful, vain creature — I am the com- 
mon talk of your acquaintances and hers. Oh, I have cal- 
culated my advantage {tearing off her mantle): I am a most 
unhappy and injured woman; but I am not the fool you take 



Act I The Philanderer 13 

me to be. I am going to stay — see! {She flings the mantle 
on the round table; puts her bonnet on it, and sits down.) 
Now, Mrs. Tranfield: there is the bell: (pointing to the 
button beside the fireplace) why don't you ring? (Grace, 
looking attentively at Charteris, does not move. ) Ha ! ha ! I 
thought so. 

charteris (quietly, without relaxing his watch on Juhd). 
Mrs. Tranfield: I think you had better go into another 
room. {Grace makes a movement towards the door, but 
stops and looks inquiringly at Charteris as Julia springs up. 
He advances a step so as to prevent her from getting to the 
door.) 

julia. She shall not. She shall stay here. She shall 
know what you are, and how you have been in love with 
me — how it is not two days since you kissed me and told 
me that the future would be as happy as the past. {Scream- 
ing at him) You did: deny it if you dare. 

charteris (to Grace in a low voice). Go! 

grace (with nonchalant disgust — going). Get her away 
as soon as you can, Leonard. 

( Julia, with a stifled cry of rage, rushes at Grace, who 
is crossing behind the sofa towards door. Qharteris seizes her 
and prevents her from getting past the sofa. Grace goes out. 
Charteris, holding Julia fast, looks around to the door to see 
whether Grace is safely out of the room.) 

julia (suddenly ceasing to struggle and speaking with the 
most pathetic dignity). Oh, there is no need to be violent. 
(He passes her across to the left end of the sofa, and leans 
against the right end, panting and mopping his forehead) . 
That is worthy of you! — to use brute force — to humiliate 
me before her! (She breaks down and bursts into tears.) 

charteris (to himself 'with melancholy conviction). This is 
going to be a cheerful evening. Now patience, patience, 
patience! (Sits on a chair near the round table. ) 

julia (in anguish). Leonard, have you no feeling forme? 



14 The Philanderer Act I 

charteris. Only an intense desire to get you safely out 
of this. 

julia (fiercely). I am not going to stir. 

charteris (wearily). Well, well. (Heaves a long sigh. 
They sit silent for awhile, Julia struggling, not to regain her 
self control, but to maintain her rage at boiling point. ) 

julia (rising suddenly). I am going to speak to that 
woman. 

charteris (jumping up). No, no. Hang it, Julia, don't 
let's have another wrestling match. I have the strength, 
but not the wind : you're too young for me. Sit down 
or else let me take you home. Suppose her father comes in. 

julia. I don't care. It rests with you. I am ready to 
go if she will give you up: until then I stay. Those are 
my terms: you owe me that. (She sits down determinedly. 
Charteris looks at her for a moment; then, making up his 
mind, goes resolutely to the couch, sits down near the right 
hand end of it, she being at the left; and says with biting 
emphasis) — 

charteris. I owe you just exactly nothing. 

julia (reproachfully). Nothing! You can look me in the 
face and say that? Oh, Leonard! 

charteris. Let me remind you, Julia, that when first we 
became acquainted, the position you took up was that of a 
woman of advanced views. 

julia. That should have made you respect me the more. 

charteris (placably). So it did, my dear. But that is not 
the point. As a woman of advanced views, you were 
determined to be free. You regarded marriage as a degrad-* 
ing bargain, by which a woman sold herself to a man for 
the social status of a wife and the right to be supported and 
pensioned in old age out of his income. That's the ad- 
vanced view — o u r view. Besides, if you had married me, 
I might have turned out a drunkard, a criminal, an imbecile, 
a horror to you; and you couldn't have released yourself. 



Act! The Philanderer 15 

Too big a risk, you see. That's the rational view — our 
view. Accordingly, you reserved the right to leave me at 
any time if you found our companionship incompatible with 
— what was the expression you used? — with your full devel- 
opment as a human being: I think that was how you put 
the Ibsenist view — our view. So I had to be content with 
a charming philander, which taught me a great deal, and 
brought me some hours of exquisite happiness. 

julia. Leonard : you confess then that you owe me some- 
thing ? 

charteris (haughtily). No: what I received, I paid. 
Did you learn nothing from m e ? — was there no delight 
for y o u in our friendship ? 

julia (vehemently and movingcy ; for she is now sincere). 
No. You made me pay dearly for every moment of happi- 
ness. You revenged yourself on me for the humiliation of 
being the slave of your passion for me. I was never sure of 
you for a moment. I trembled whenever a letter came 
from you, lest it should contain some stab for me. I dread- 
ed your visits almost as much as I longed for them. I was 
your plaything, not your companion. (She rises, exclaiming) 
Oh, there was such suffering in my happiness that I hardly 
knew joy from pain. ( She sinks on the piano stool, and adds, 
as she buries her face in her hands and turns away from him) 
Better for me if I had never met you ! 

charteris {rising indignantly). You ungenerous wretch ! 
Is this your gratitude for the way I have just been flattering 
you ? What have I not endured from you— endured with 
angelic patience ? Did I not find out, before our friendship 
was a fortnight old, that all your advanced views were 
merely a fashion picked up and followed like any other 
fashion, without understanding or meaning a word of them ? 
Did you not, in spite of your care for your own liberty, set 
up claims on me compared to which the claims of the most 
jealous wife would have been trifles. Have I a single 



16 The Philanderer Act I 

woman friend whom you have not abused as old, ugly, 
vicious 

julia (quickly looking up). So they are. 

charteris. Well, then, I'll come to grievances that even 
you can understand. I accuse you of habitual and intoler- 
able jealousy and ill temper ; of insulting me on imaginary 
provocation : of positively beating me ; of stealing letters of 
mine 

julia (rising*). Yes, nice letters. 

charteris. of breaking your solemn promises not to 

do it again ; of spending hours — aye, days ! piecing to- 
gether the contents of my waste paper basket in your search 
for more letters ; and then representing yourself as an ill 
used saint and martyr wantonly betrayed and deserted by a 
selfish monster of a man. 

julia. I was justified in reading your letters. Our per- 
fect confidence in one another gave me the right to do it. 

charteris. Thank you. Then I hasten to break off a 
confidence which gives such rights. (Sits down sulkily on 
sofa.) 

julia {with her right hand on the bach of the sofa, bending 
over him threateningly) . You have no right to break it off. 

charteris. I have. You refused to marry me be- 
cause 

julia. I did not. You never asked me. If we were 
married, you would never dare treat me as you are doing 
now. 

charteris (laboriously going back to his argument). It was 
understood between us as people of advanced views that 
we were not to marry because, as the law stands, I might 
have become a drunkard, a . 

julia. a criminal, an imbecile or a horror. You 

said that before. {Sits down beside him with a fling.) 

charteris (politely). I beg your pardon, my dear. I 
know I have a habit of repeating myself. The point is 



Act I The Philanderer 17 

that you reserved your freedom to give me up when you 
pleased. 

julia. Well, what of that ? I do not please to give you 
up ; and I will not. You have not become a drunkard or 
a criminal. 

charteris. You don't see the point yet, Julia. You 
seem to forget that in reserving your freedom to leave me in 
case I should turn out badly, you also reserved my freedom 
to leave you in case you should turn out badly. 

julia. Very ingenious. And pray, have / become a 
drunkard, or a criminal, or an imbecile ? 

charteris {rising). You have become what is infinitely 
worse than all three together — a j'ealous termagant. 

julia (shaking her head bitter If). Yes, abuse me — call 
me names. 

charteris. I now assert the right I reserved — the right 
of breaking with you when I please. Advanced views, 
Julia, involve advanced duties: you cannot be an advanced 
women when you want to bring a man to your feet, and a 
conventional woman when you want to hold him there 
against his will. Advanced people form charming friend- 
ships: conventional people marry. Marriage suits a good 
deal of people; and it's first duty is fidelity. Friendship 
suits some people; and its first duty is unhesitating, un- 
complaining acceptance of a notice of a change of feeling 
from either side. You chose friendship instead of mar- 
riage. Now do your duty, and accept your notice. 

julia. Never! We are engaged in the eye of — the 
eye of 

charteris (sitting down quickly beside her). Yes, Julia. 
Can't you get it out? In the eye of something that 
advanced women don't believe in, eh? 

julia (throwing herself at his feet). O Leonard, don't 
be cruel. I am too miserable to argue — to think. I only 
know I love you. You reproach me with not wanting to 



18 The Philanderer Act 1 

marry you. I would have married you at any time after I 
came to love you, if you had asked me. I will marry you 
now if you will. 

charteris. I won't, my dear. That's flat. We're in- 
tellectually incompatible. 

julia. But why? We could be so happy. You love 
me — I know you love me — I feel it. You say " My 
dear" tome: you have said it several times this evening. 
I know I have been wicked, odious, bad. I say nothing 
in defence of myself. But don't be hard on me. I was 
distracted by the thought of losing you. I can't face life 
without you Leonard. I was happy when I met you: I had 
never loved anyone; and if you had only let me alone I 
could have gone on contentedly by myself. But I can't 
now. I must have you with me. Don't cast me off with- 
out a thought of all I have at stake. I could be a friend to 
you if you would only let me — if you would only tell me 
your plans — give me a share in your work — treat me as 
something more than the amusement of an idle hour. Oh 
Leonard, Leonard, you've never given me a chance: indeed 
you haven't. I'll take pains; I'll read; I'll try to think; 
I'll conquer my jealousy; I'll (She breaks down, rock- 
ing her head desperately on his knee and writhing.") Oh, 
I'm mad: I'm mad: you'll kill me if you desert me. 

charteris {jetting her). My dear love, don't cry — don't 
go on in this way. You know I can't help it. 

julia (sobbing as he rises and coaxingly lifts her with 
him). Oh, you can, you can. One word from you will 
make us happy for ever. 

charteris (diplomatically). Come, my dear: we really 
must go. We can't stay until Cuthbertson come. (Re- 
leases her gently and takes her mantle from the table.) Here 
is your mantle: put it on and be good. You have given 
me a terrible evening: you must have some consideration 
for me. 



Act I The Philanderer 19 

julia (dangerous again). Then I am to be cast off. 

charteris (coaxingly). You are to put on your bonnet, 
dearest. (He puts the mantle on her shoulders.) 

julia {with a bitter half laugh, half sob). Well, I sup- 
pose I must do what I am told. (She goes to the table, and 
looks for her bonnet. She sees the yellow-backed French 
novel.) Ah, look at that! (holds it out to him.') Look — . 
look at what the creature reads — filthy, vile French stuff 
that no decent woman would touch. And you — you 
have been reading it with her. 

charteris. You recommended that book to me yourself. 

julia. Faugh! (Dashes it on the floor.) 

charteris (running anxiously to the book). Don't damage 
property, Julia. (He picks it up and dusts it.) Making 
scenes is an affair of sentiment: damaging property is serious. 
( Replaces it on the table. ) And now do pray come along. 

julia (implacably). You can go : there is nothing to 
prevent you. I will not stir. (She sits down stubbornly on 
the sofa.) 

charteris (losing patience). Oh come ! I am not going 
to begin all this over again. There are limits even to my 
forbearance. Come on. 

julia. I will not, I tell you. 

charteris. Then good night. (He makes resolutely for 
the door. With a rush, she gets there before him, and 
bars his way.) I thought you wanted me to go. 

julia (at the door.) You shall not leave me here alone. 

charteris. Then come with me. 

julia. Not until you have sworn to me to give up that 
woman. 

charteris. My dear, I will swear anything if you will 
only come away and put an end to this. 

julia (perplexed — doubting him). You will swear ? 

charteris. Solemnly. Propose the oath. I have been 
on the point of swearing for the last half hour. 



20 The Philanderer Act I 

julia {despairingly). You are only making fun of me. 
I want no oaths. I want your promise — your sacred word 
of honour. 

charteris. Certainly — anything you demand, on con- 
dition that you come away immediately. On my sacred 
word of honour as a gentleman — as an Englishman — as any- 
thing you like — I will never see her again, never speak to 
her, never think of her. Now come. 

julia. But are you in earnest ? Will you keep your 
word ? 

charteris (smiling subtly). Now you are getting un- 
reasonable. Do come along without any more nonsense. 
At any rate, I am going. I am not strong enough to carry 
you home ; but I am strong enough to make my way 
through that door in spite of you. You will then have a 
new grievance against me for my brutal violence. (He takes 
a step towards the door. ) 

julia (solemnly). If you do, I swear I will throw my- 
self from that window, Leonard, as you pass out. 

charteris (unimpressed). That window is at the back of 
the building. I shall pass out at the front ; so you will not 
hurt me. Good night. (He approaches the door.) 

julia. Leonard : have you no pity ? 

charteris. Not in the least. When you condescend to 
these antics you force me to despise you. How can a 
woman who behaves like a spoiled child and talks like a sen- 
timental novel have the audacity to dream of being a 
companion for a man of any sort of sense or character ? 
( She gives an inarticulate cry and throws herself sobbing on 
his breast.) Come, don't cry, my dear Julia : you don't 
look half so beautiful as when you're happy; and it takes 
all the starch out of my shirt front. Come along. 

julia {affectionately). I'll come, dear, if you wish it. 
Give-me one kiss. 

charteris (exasperated). This is too much. No : I'm 



Act I The Philanderer 21 

dashed if I will. Here, let me go, Julia. (She dings to 
him. ) Will you come without another word if I give you 
a kiss ? 

julia. I will do anything you wish, darling. 

charteris. Well, here. (He takes her in bis arms and 
gives ber an unceremonious kiss.) Now remember your 
promise. Come along. 

julia. That was not a nice kiss, dearest. I want one of 
our old real kisses. 

charteris (furious). Oh, go to the deuce. (He disen- 
gages bims elf impulsively ; and she, as if be bad flung ber 
down, falls pathetically with a stifled moan. With an an- 
gry look at her, be strides out and slams the door. She raises 
herself on one band, listening to bis retreating footsteps. They 
stop. Her face lights up with eager, triumphant cunning. 
The steps return hastily. She throws herself down again as 
before. Charteris reappears, in the utmost dismay, exclaim- 
ing) Julia : we're done. Cuthbertson's coming upstairs 
with your father — (she sits up quickly) do you hear? — 
the two fathers. 

julia (sitting on the floor). Impossible. They don't 
know one another. 

charteris (desperately). I tell you they are coming up 
together like brothers. What on earth are we to do ? 

julia (scrambling up with the help of his hand). Quick, 
the lift : we can go down in that. (She rushes to the table 
for ber bonnet.) 

charteris. No, the man's gone home ; and the lift's 
locked. 

julia (putting on bonnet at express speed). Let's go up 
to the next floor. 

charteris. There's no next floor. We're at the top of 
the house. No, no, you must invent some thumping lie. 
1 can't think of one: you can, Julia. Exercise all your 
genius. I'll back you up. 



22 The Philanderer Act I 

JULIA. But 

charteris. Sh-sh ! Here they are. Sit down and look 
at home. (Julia tears off ber bonnet and mantle; throws 
tbem on the table ; and darts to the piano at which she seats 
herself.) 

julia. Come and sing. (She plays the symphony to 
" When other lips." He stands at the piano, as if about to 
sing. Two elderly gentlemen enter. Julia stops playing.) 

The elder of the two gentlemen. Colonel Daniel Craven, 
affects the bluff, simple veteran, and carries it off pleasantly 
and well, having a fine upright figure, and being, in fact, a 
goodnaturedly impulsive, credulous person who, after an en- 
tirely thoughtless career as an officer and a gentleman, is now 
being startled into some sort of self education by the surprising 
proceedings of his children. 

His companion, Mr. Joseph Cuthbertson, Grace* s father, 
has none of the Co lone Ps boyishness. He is a man of fervent 
idealistic sentiment, so frequently outraged by the facts of life, 
that he has acquired an habitually indignant manner, which 
unexpectedly becomes enthusiastic or affectionate when he 
speaks. 

The two men differ greatly in expression. The Colonel 1 s face 
is lined with weather, with age, with eating and drinking, 
and with the cumulative effects of many petty vexations, but 
not with thought : he is still fresh, and he has by no means 
full expectations of pleasure and novelty. Cuthbertson has 
the lines of sedentary London brain work, with its chronic 
fatigue and longing for rest and recreative emotion, and its 
disillusioned indifference to adventure and enjoyment, except as 
a means of recuperation. 

They are both in evening dress ; and Cuthbertson wears 
his fur collared overcoat, which, with his vigilant, irascible 
eye, piled up hair, and the honorable earnestness with which 
he takes himself, gives him an air of considerable consequence. 

cuthbertson (with a hospitable show $f delight at finding 



Act I The Philanderer 23 

visitors'). Don't stop, Miss Craven. Go on, Charteris. 
{He comes down behind the sofa, and hangs his overcoat on it, 
after taking an opera glass and a theatre programme from the 
pockets, and putting them down on the piano. Craven mean- 
while goes to the fireplace and stands on the hearthrug.) 

charteris. No, thank you. Miss Craven has just been 
taking me through an old song ; and I've had enough of it. 
{He takes the song of the piano desk and lays it aside ; then 
closes the lid over the keyboard?) 

julia ( passing between the sofa and piano to shake hands 
with Cuthbertson). Why, you've brought Daddy ! What a 
surprise ! {Looking across to Craven.) So glad you've come, 
Dad. {She takes a chair near the window, and sits there.) 

cuthbertson. Craven : let me introduce you to Mr. 
Leonard Charteris, the famous Ibsenist philosopher. 

craven. Oh, we know one another already. Charteris 
is quite at home at our house, Jo. 

cuthbertson. I beg both your pardons. ( Charteris sits 
down on the piano stool.) He's quite at heme here too. 
By the bye, where' s Grace ? 

julia and charteris. Er {They stop and look at one 

another. ) 

julia {politely). I beg your pardon, Mr. Charteris: I 
interrupted you. 

charteris. Not at all, Miss Craven. {An awkward 
pause. ) 

cuthbertsoin {to help them out). You were going to tell 
about Grace, Charteris. 

charteris. I was only going to say that I didn't know 
that you and Craven were acquainted. 

craven. Why, /didn't know it until to-night. It's a 
most extraordinary thing. We met by chance at the thea- 
tre; and he turns out to be my oldest friend. 

cuthbertson {energetically). Yes, Craven; and do you 
see how this proves what I was saying to you about the 



24 The Philanderer Act I 

breaking up of family life? Here are all our young peo- 
ple — Grace and Miss Julia and the rest — bosom friends, in- 
separables; and yet we two, who knew each other before 
they were born, might never have met again if you hadn't 
popped into the stall next to mine to-night by pure chance. 
Come, sit down {bustling over to bim affectionately and 
pushing bim into the arm chair above the fire} \ there's your 
place, by my fireside, whenever you choose to fill it. < He 
posts himself at the right end of the sofa, leaning against it 
and admiring Craven.} Just imagine your being Dan 
Craven ! 

craven. Just imagine your being Jo Cuthbertson, 
though! That's a far more extraordinary coincidence, 
because I'd got it into my head that your name was 
Tranfield. 

cuthbertson. Oh, that's my daughter's name. She's 
a widow, you know. How uncommonly well you look, 
Dan! The years haven't hurt you much. 

craven {suddenly becoming unnaturally gloomy). I look 
well. I even feel well. But my days are numbered 

cuthbertson (alarmed}. Oh don't say that, my dear 
fellow. I hope not. 

julia (with anguish in her voice). Daddy! {Cuthbertson 
looks inquiringly around at her. ) 

craven. There, there, my dear: I was wrong to talk of 
it. It's a sad subject. But it's better that Cuthbertson 
should know. We used to be very close friends, and are 
so still, I hope. (Cuthbertson goes to Craven and presses 
his hand silently; then returns to sofa and sits, pulling out his 
handkerchief and displaying some emotion. ) 

charteris (a little impatiently}. The fact is, Cuthbert- 
son, Craven's a devout heliever in the department of 
witchcraft called medical science. He's celebrated in all 
the medical schools as an example of the newest sort of 
liver complaint. The doctors say he can't last another 



Act I The Philanderer 25 

year; and he has fully made up his mind not to survive 
next Easter, just to oblige them. 

craven (with military affectation). It's very kind of you 
to try to keep up my spirits by making light of it, Char- 
teris. But I shall be ready when my time comes. I'm a 
soldier. (A sob from Julia.) Don't cry, Julia. 

cuthbertson (huskily). I hope you may long be spared, 
Dan. 

craven. To oblige me, Jo, change the subject. (He 
gets up and again posts himself on the hearthrug with his 
back to the fire.) 

charteris. Try and persuade him to join our club, 
Cuthbertson. He mopes. 

julia. L's no use. Sylvia and I are always at him to 
join; but he won't. 

craven. My child, I have my own club. 

charteris (contemptuously). Yes, the Junior Army and 
Navy! Do you call that a club? Why, they daren't let 
a woman cross the doorstep ! 

craven (a little ruffled). Clubs are a matter of taste, 
Charteris. You like a cock and hen club: I don't. It's 
bad enough to have Julia and her sister — a girl under 
twenty — spending half their time at such a place. Besides, 
now really, such a name for a club ! The Ibsen club ! 
I should be laughed out of London. The Ibsen club! 
Come, Cuthbertson, back me up. I'm sure vou agree 
with me. 

charteris. Cuthbertson's a member. 

craven (amazed). No! Why, he's been talking to me 
all the evening about the way in which everything is going 
to the dogs through advanced ideas in the younger genera- 
tion. 

charteris. Of course. He's been studying it in the 
club. He's always there. 

cuthbertson (warmly'). Not always. Don't exagger- 



26 The Philanderer Act I 

ate, Charteris. You know very well that though I joined 
the club on Grace's account, thinking that her father's 
presence there would be a protection and a — a sort of sanc- 
tion, as it were — I never approved of it. 

craven (tactlessly harping on Cuthbertson*s inconsistency). 
Well, you know, this is unexpected: now it's really very 
unexpected. I should never have thought it from hearing 
you talk, Jo. Why, you said the whole modern movement 
was abhorrent to you because your life had been passed in 
witnessing scenes of suffering nobly endured and sacrifice 
willingly rendered by womanly women and manly men 
and deuce knows what else. Is it at the Ibsen club that 
you see all this manliness and womanliness? 

charteris. Certainly not: the rules of the club forbid 
anything of that sort. Every candidate for membership 
must be nominated by a man a n d a woman, who both 
guarantee that the candidate, if female, is not womanly, 
and if male, is not manly. 

craven (chuckling cunningly and stooping to press his 
heated trousers against his legs, which are chilly'). Won't 
do, Charteris. Can't take me in with so thin a story as 
that. 

cuthbertson (vehemently). It's true. It's monstrous, 
but it's true. 

craven (with rising indignation, as he begins to draw the 
inevitable inferences). Do you mean to say that somebody 
had the audacity to guarantee that my Julia is not a 
womanly woman. 

charteris (darkly). It sounds incredible; but a man 
was found ready to take that inconceivable lie on his con- 
science. 

julia (firing up). If he has nothing worse than that on 
his conscience, he may sleep pretty well. In what way 
am I more womanly than any of the rest of them, I should 
like to know? They are always saying things like that 



Act I The Philanderer 27 

behind my back — I hear of them from Sylvia. Only the 
other day a member of the committee said I ought never 
to have been elected — that you (/<? Charter is) had smug- 
gled me in. I should like to see her say it to my face: 
that's all. 

craven. But, my precious, I most sincerely hope she 
was right. She paid you the highest compliment. Why, 
the place must be a den of infamy. 

cuthbertson (emphatically). So it is, Craven, so it is. 

charteris. Exactly. That's what keeps it so select: 
nobody but people whose reputations are above suspicion 
dare belong to it. If we once got a good name, we should 
become a mere whitewashing shop for all the shady char- 
acters in London. Better join us, Craven. Let me put 
you up. 

craven. What! Join a club where there's some 
scoundrel who guaranteed my daughter to be an un- 
womanly woman! If I weren't an invalid, I'd kick him. 

charteris. Oh don't say that. It was I who did it. 

craven (reproachfully). You! Now upon my soul, 
Charteris, this is very vexing. Now how could you bring 
yourself to do such a thing? 

charteris. She made me. Why, I had to guarantee 
Cuthbertson as unmanly; and he's the leading representa- 
tive of manly sentiment in London. 

craven. That didn't do Jo any harm: but it took away 
my Julia's character. 

julia (outraged). Daddy! 

charteris. Not at the Ibsen club, quite the contrary. 
After all, what can we do? You know what breaks up 
most clubs for men and women. There's a quarrel — a 
scandal — cherchez la femme — always a woman at the bot- 
tom of it. Well, we knew this when we founded the club; 
but we noticed that the woman at the bottom of it was al- 
ways a womanly woman. The unwomanly women who 



28 The Philanderer Act I 

work for their living and know how to take care of them- 
selves never give any trouble. So we simply said we 
wouldn't have any womanly women ; and when one gets 
smuggled in she has to take care not to behave in a womanly 
way. We get on all right. [He rises.) Come to lunch 
with me there tomorrow and see the place. 

cuthbertson [rising). No, he's engaged to me. But 
you can join us. 

charteris. What hour ? 

cuthbertson. Any time after twelve. [To Craven) 
It's at 90 Cork street, at the other end of the Burlington 
Arcade. 

craven [making a note). 90, you say. After twelve. 
[He suddenly relapses into gloom.) By the bye, don't order 
anything special for me. I'm not allowed wine — only 
Apollinaris. No meat either — only a scrap of fish occasion- 
ally. I'm to have a short life, but not a merry one. 
[Sighing.) Well, well. [Bracing himself up.) Now, Julia, 
it's time for us to be off. [Julia rises.) 

cuthbertson. But where on earth is Grace ? I must go 
and look for her. [He turns to the door.) 

julia [stopping him). Oh, pray don't disturb her, Mr. 
Cuthbertson. She's so tired. 

cuthbertson. But just for a moment to say good night. 
( Julia and Charteris look at one another in dismay. Cuthbert- 
son looks quickly at them> perceiving that something is wrong. ) 

charteris. We must make a clean breast of it, I see. 

cuthbertson. Clean breast ? 

charteris. The truth is, Cuthbertson, Mrs. Tranfield, 
who is, as you know, the most thoughtful of women, took 
it into her head that I — well, that I particularly wanted to 
speak to Miss Craven alone. So she said she was tired and 
wanted to go to bed. 

craven [scandalized). Tut ! tut ! 

cuthbertson. Oho ! is that it ? Then it's all right. 



Act I The Philanderer 29 

She never goes to bed as early as this. I'll fetch her in a 
moment. (He goes out confidently, leaving Charteris aghast.) 

julia. Now you've done it. (She rushes to the round 
table and snatches up her mantle and bonnet.') I'm off. (She 
makes for the door.) 

craven (horrified). What are you doing, Julia ? You 
can't go until you've said good night to Mrs. Tranfield. It 
would be horribly rude. 

julia. You can stay if you like, Daddy : I can't. I'll 
wait for you in the hall. (She hurries out.) 

craven (following her). But what on earth am I to say ? 
(Stopping as she disappears, and turning to Charteris grum- 
bling) Now really you know, Charteris, this is devilish 
awkward, upon my life it is. That was a most indelicate 
thing of you to say plump out before us all — that about you 
and Julia. 

charteris. I'll explain it all to-morrow. Just at present 
we'd really better follow Julia's example and bolt. (He 
starts for the door.) 

craven (intercepting him). Stop ! don't leave me like 
this : I shall look like a fool. Now I shall really take it in 
bad part if you run away, Charteris. 

charteris (resignedly). All right. I'll stay. (Lifts him- 
self on to the shoulder of the grand piano and sits there swing- 
ing his legs and contemplating Craven resignedly.) 

craven (pacing up and down). I'm excessively vexed 
about Julia's conduct, I am indeed. She can't bear to be 
crossed in the slightest thing, poor child. I'll have to 
apologize for her you know : her going away is a down- 
right slap in the face for these people here. Cuthbertson 
may be offended already for all I know. 

charteris. Oh never mind about him. Mrs. Tran- 
field bosses this establishment. 

craven (cunningly). Ah, that's it, is it? He's just the 
sort of fellow that would have no control over his daughter. 



30 The Philanderer Act I 

(He goes back to bis former place on the hearthrug with his 
back to the fire.') By the bye, what the dickens did he 
mean by all that about passing his life amid — what was it? 
— "scenes of suffering nobly endured and sacrifice will- 
ingly rendered by womanly women and manly men " and 
a lot more of the same sort? I suppose he's something in 
a hospital. 

charteris. Hospital ! Nonsense: he's a dramatic critic. 
Didn't you hear me say that he was the leading representa- 
tive of manly sentiment in London ? 

craven. You don't say so. Now really, who'd have 
thought it ! How jolly it must be to be able to go to the 
theatre for nothing! I must ask him to get me a few 
tickets occasionally. But isn't it ridiculous for a man to 
talk like that! I'm hanged if he don't take what he sees 
on the stage quite seriously. 

charteris. Of course: that's why he's a good critic. 
Besides, if you take people seriously off the stage, why 
shouldn't you take them seriously on it, where they're un- 
der some sort of decent restraint? (He jumps down off 
piano and goes up to the window. Cuthbertson comes back. ) 

cuthbertson (to Craven, rather sheepishly). The fact is, 
Grace has gone to bed. I must apologize to you and 

Miss (He turns to Julia's seat, and stops on seeing it 

vacant. ) 

craven (embarrassed). It is I who have to apologize for 
Julia, Jo. She 

charteris (interrupting). She said she was quite sure 
that if we didn't go, you'd persuade Mrs. Tranfield to get 
up to say good night for the sake of politeness; so she went 
straight off. 

cuthbertson. Very kind of her indeed. I'm really 
ashamed 

craven. Don't mention it, Jo, don't mention it. She's 



Act I The Philanderer 31 

waiting for me below. (Going.) Good night. Good night, 
Charteris. 

charteris. Good night. 

cuthbertson (seeing Craven out). Good night. Say- 
good night and thanks to Miss Craven for me. To-morrow 
any time after twelve, remember. ( They go out; and Char- 
teris with a long sigh crosses to the fireplace, thoroughly 
tired out.) 

craven (outside). All right. 

cuthbertson (outside). Take care of the stairs; they're 
rather steep. Good night. ( The outside door shuts; and 
Cuthbertson returns. Instead of entering, he stands in the 
doorway with one hand in the breast of his waiscoat, eyeing 
Charteris sternly.) 

charteris. What's the matter? 

cuthbertson (sternly). Charteris: what's been going on 
here? I insist on knowing. Grace has not gone to bed: 
I have seen and spoken with her. What is it all about? 

charteris. Ask your theatrical experience, Cuthbertson. 
A man, of course. 

cuthbertson (coming forward and confronting him). Don't 
play the fool with me, Charteris: I'm too old a hand to be 
amused by it. I ask you, seriously, what's the matter? 

charteris. I tell you, seriously, I'm the matter. Julia 
wants to marry me: I want to marry Grace. I came here 
to-night to sweetheart Grace. Enter Julia. Alarums and 
excursions. Exit Grace. Enter you and Craven. Sub- 
terfuges and excuses. Exeunt Craven and Julia. And 
here we are. That's the whole story. Sleep over it. 
Goodnight. (He leaves.) 

cuthbertson (staring after him). Well I'll be 
(The act drop descends.) 

END OF ACT I. 



ACT II 

Next day at noon, in the Library of the Ibsen club. A 
spacious room, with glass doors right and left. At the back, 
in the middle, is the fireplace, surmounted by a handsome man- 
telpiece, with a bust of Ibsen, and decorated inscriptions of 
the titles of his plays. There are circular recesses at each 
side of fireplace, with divan seats running round them, and 
windows at the top, the space between the divan and the window 
sills being lined with books. A long settee is placed before 
the fire. Along the back of the settee, and touching it, is a 
green table, littered with journals. A revolving bookcase 
stands in the foreground, a little to the left, with an easy chair 
close to it. On the right, between the door and the recess, 
is a light library step ladder. Placards inscribed ft silence" 
are conspicuously exhibited here and there. 

( Cuthbertson is seated in the easy chair at the revolving 
bookstand, reading the (t Daily Graphic." Dr. Par amor e 
is on the divan in the right hand recess, reading " The Brit- 
ish Medical Journal. * * He is young as age is counted in the 
professions — barely forty. His hair is wearing bald on his 
forehead ; and his dark arched eyebrows, coming rather close 
together, give him a conscientiously sinister appearance. He 
wears the frock coat and cultivates the (t bedside manner" of 
the fashionable physician with scrupulous conventionality. No:* 
at all a happy or frank man, but not consciously unhappy nor 
intentionally insincere, and highly self satisfied intellectually. 

Sylvia Craven is sitting in the middle of the settee before 



Act II The Philanderer 33 

the fire, only the back of her head being visible. She is read- 
ing a volume of Ibsen. She is a girl of eighteen, small and 
trim, wearing a smart tailor-made dress, rather short, and a 
Newmarket jacket, showing a white blouse with a light silk 
sash and a man's collar and watch chain so arranged as to look 
as like a man' s waistcoat and shirtfront as possible without 
spoiling the prettiness of the effect. A Page Boy's voice, 
monotonously calling for Dr. Paramore, is heard approaching 
outside on the right.) 

page (outside). Dr. Paramore, Dr. Paramore, Dr. Para- 
more. {he enters carrying a salver with a card on it.) Dr. 
Par 

paramore (sharply, sitting up). Here, boy. (The boy 
presents the salver. Paramore takes the card and looks at it.) 
All right : I'll come down to him. (The boy goes. Para- 
more rises, and comes from the recess, throwing his paper on 
the table.) Good morning, Mr. Cuthbertson (stopping to 
pull out his cuffs and shake his coat straight) Mrs. Tranfield 
quite well, I hope ? 

SYLVIA (turning her head indignantly) . Sh — sh — sh ! 
(Paramore turns, surprised. Cuthbertson rises energetically 
and looks across the bookstand to see who is the author of this 
impertinence. ) 

paramore (to Sylvia — stiffly) I beg your pardon, Miss 
Craven : I did not mean to disturb you. 

sylvia (flustered and self assertive). You may talk as 
much as you like if you will only have the common consider- 
ation to first ask whether the other people object. What I 
protest against is your assumption that my presence doesn't 
matter because I'm only a female member. That's all. Now 
go on, pray : you don't disturb me in the least. (She turns 
to the fire, and again buries herself in Ibsen.) 

cuthbertson (with emphatic dignity). No gentleman 
would have dreamt of objecting to our exchanging a few 
words, madam. (She takes no notice. He resumes angrily.) 



34 The Philanderer Act II 

As a matter of fact I was about to say to Dr. Paramore that 
if he would care to bring his visitor up here, / should not 
object. The impudence ! (Dashes bis paper down on the 
chair. ) 

paramore. Oh, many thanks; but it's only an instru- 
ment maker. 

cuthbertson. Any new medical discoveries, doctor? 

paramore. Well, since you ask me, yes — perhaps a 
most important one. I have discovered something that has 
hitherto been overlooked — a minute duct in the liver of the 
guinea pig. Miss Craven will forgive my mentioning it 
when 1 say that it may throw an important light on her 
father's case. The first thing, of course, is to find out 
what the duct is there for. 

cuthbertson {reverently — -feeling that he is in the pres- 
ence of science). Indeed. How will you do that? 

paramore. Oh, easily enough, by simply cutting the 
duct and seeing what will happen to the guinea pig. 
(Sylvia rises, horrified.} I shall require a knife specially 
made to get at it. The man who is waiting for me down- 
stairs has brought me a few handles to try before fitting it 
and sending it to the laboratory. I am afraid it would not 
do to bring such weapons up here. 

sylvia. If you attempt such a thing, Dr. Paramore, I 
will complain to the committee. The majority of the 
committee are anti-vivisectionists. You ought to be 
ashamed of yourself. (She flounces out at the right hand 
door. ) 

paramore (with patient contempt). That's the sort of 
thing we scientific men have to put up with nowadays, Mr. 
Cuthbertson. Ignorance, superstition, sentimentality: they 
are all one. A guinea pig's convenience is set above the 
health and lives of the entire human race. 

cuthbertson {vehemently). It's not ignorance or super- 
stition, Paramore: it's sheer downright Ibsenism: that's 



Act II The Philanderer 35 

what it is. I've been wanting to sit comfortably at the 
fire the whole morning; but Pve never had a chance with 
that girl there. I couldn't go and plump myself down on 
a seat beside her: goodness knows what she'd think I 
wanted. That's one of the delights of having women in 
the club: when they come in here they all want to sit at 
the fire and adore that bust. I sometimes feel that I 
should like to take the poker and fetch it a wipe across the 
nose — ugh ! 

paramore. I must say I prefer the elder Miss Craven to 
fcer sister. 

cuthbertson (his eyes lighting up). Ah, Julia! I believe 
you. A splendid fine creature — every inch a woman. No 
Ibsenism about her! 

paramore. I quite agree with you there, Mr. Cuthbert- 
son. Er — by the way, do you think is Miss Craven 
attached to Charteris at all? 

cuthbertson. What, that fellow! Not he. He hangs 
about after her; but he's not man enough for her. A 
woman of that sort likes a strong, manly, deep-throated, 
broad-chested man. 

paramore {anxiously). Hm, a sort of sporting character, 
you think ? 

cuthbertson. Oh, no, no. A scientific man, perhaps, 
like yourself. But you know what I mean — a MAN. 
(Strikes himself a sounding blow on the chest.) 

paramore. Of course; but Charteris is a man. 

cuthbertson. Pah! you don't see what I mean. {The 
Page Boy returns with his salver. ) 

page boy {calling monotonously as before). Mr. Cuth- 
bertson, Mr. Cuthbertson, Mr. Cuth- 

cuthbertson. Here, boy. {He takes a card from the 
talver.) Bring the gentleman up here. {The boy goes out.) 
It's Craven. He's coming to lunch with me and Charteris. 
You might join us if you've nothing better to do, when 



36 The Philanderer Act II 

you've finished with the instrument man. If Julia turns 
up I'll ask her too. 

paramore (flushing with pleasure}. I shall be very 
happy. Thank you. (He is going out at the right hand 
door when Craven enters.) Good morning, Colonel Craven. 

craven (at the door'). Good morning — glad to see you. 
Pm looking for Cuthbertson. 

paramore (smiling). There he is. (He goes out.) 

cuthbertson (greeting Craven effusively). Delighted to 
see you. Now will you come to the smoking room, or 
will you sit down here and have a chat while we're wait- 
ing for Charteris. If you like company, the smoking room 
is always full of women. Here we shall have it pretty 
well all to ourselves until about three o'clock. 

craven. I don't like to see women smoking. I'll 
make myself comfortable here. (Sits in an easy chair on 
the right.) 

cuthbertson (taking a chair beside him, on his left). 
Neither do I. There's not a room in this club where I 
can enjoy a pipe quietly without a woman coming in and 
beginning to roll a cigarette. It's a disgusting habit in a 
woman: it's not natural to her sex. 

craven (sighing). Ah, Jo, times have changed since we 
both courted Molly Ebden all those years ago. I took my 
defeat well, old chap, didn't I? 

cuthbertson (with earnest approval). You did, Dan. 
The thought of it has often helped me to behave well my- 
self: it has, on my honour. 

craven. Yes, you always believe in hearth and home, 
Jo — in a true English wife and a happy wholesome fireside. 
How did Molly turn out ? 

cuthbertson (trying to be fair to Molly). Well, not 
bad. She might have been worse. You see I couldn't 
stand her relations: all the men were roaring cads; and she 
couldn't get on with my mother. And then she hated 



Act II The Philanderer 37 

being in town; and of course I couldn't live in the country 
on account of my work. But we hit it off as well as most 
people, until we separated. 

craven {taken aback"). Separated! (He is irresistibly 
amused.) Oh, that was the end of the hearth and home, Jo, 
was it? 

cuthbertson (warmly). It was not my fault, Dan. 
(Sentimentally.) Some day the world will know how I loved 
that woman. But she was incapable of valuing a true 
man's affection. Do you know, she often said she wished 
she'd married you instead. 

craven (sobered by the suggestion) . Dear me, dear me ! 
Well, perhaps it was better as it was. You heard about 
my marriage, I suppose. 

cuthbertson. Oh yes: we all heard of it. 

craven. Well, Jo, I may as well make a clean breast of 
it — everybody knew it. / married for money. 

cuthbertson (encouragingly). And why not, Dan, why 
not? We can't get on without it, you know. 

craven (with sincere feeling) . I got to be very fond of 
her, Jo. I had a home until she died. Now everything's 
changed. Julia's always here. Sylvia's of a different 
nature; but she's always here too. 

cuthbertson (sympathetically). I know. It's the same 
with Grace. She's always here. 

craven. And now they want m e to be always here. 
They're at me every day to join the club — to stop my 
grumbling, I suppose. That's what I want to consult you 
about. Do you think I ought to join ? 

cuthbertson. Well, if you have no conscientious objec- 
tion 

craven (testily interrupting him). I object to the exist- 
ence of the place on principle; but what's the use of that? 
Here it is in spite of my objection, and I may as well have 
the benefit of any good that may be in it. 



38 The Philanderer Act II 

cuthbertson (soothing him). Of course: that's the 
only reasonable view of the matter. Well, the fact is, it's 
not so inconvenient as you might think. When you're at 
home, you have the house more to yourself; and when 
you want to have your family about you, you can dine with 
them at the club. 

craven (not much attracted by this). True. 

cuthbertson. Besides, if you don't want to dine with 
them, you needn't. 

craven (convinced). True, very true. But don't they 
carry on here, rather ? 

cuthbertson. Oh, no, they don't exactly carry on. Of 
course the usual tone of the club is low, because the women 
smoke and earn their own living and all that ; but still 
there's nothing actually to complain of. And it's conven- 
ient, certainly. (Charter is comes in, looking round for 
them. ) 

craven {rising). Do you know, I've a great mind to 
join, just to see what it's like. Would you mind putting 
me up? 

cuthbertson. Delighted, Dan, delighted. (He grasps 
Craven's hand.) 

charteris (putting one hand on Craven's shoulder and the 
other on Cuthbertson' s). Bless you, my children ! (Cuthbert- 
son, a little wounded in his dignity, moves away. The Colonel 
takes the jest in the utmost good humor. ) 

craven (cordially). Hallo ! 

charteris (to Craven). Hope I haven't disturbed your 
chat by coming too soon. 

craven. Not at all. Welcome, dear boy. (Shakes his 
hand. ) 

charteris. That's right. I'm earlier than I intended. 
The fact is, I have something rather pressing to say to Cuth- 
bertson. 

craven. Private ! 



Act II The Philanderer 39 

charteris. Not particularly. (To Cutbbertson.) Only 
what we were speaking of last night. 

cuthbertson. Well, Charteris, I think that is private, or 
ought to be. 

craven (going up towards the table}. Pll just take a look 
at the Times 

charteris (stopping him). Oh, it's no secret : everybody 
in the club guesses it. (To Cutbbertson.) Has Grace never 
mentioned to you that she wants to marry me ? 

cuthbertson (indignant/y). She has mentioned that you 
want to marry her. 

charteris. Ah ; but then it's not what I want, but what 
Grace wants, that will weigh with you. 

craven (a little shocked) . Excuse me Charteris : this i s 
private. I'll leave you to yourselves. (Again moves towards 
the table.) 

charteris.. Wait a bit, Craven : you're concerned in 
this. Julia wants to marry me too. 

craven (in a tone of the strongest remonstrance). Now 
really ! Now upon my life and soul ! 

charteris. It's a fact, I assure you. Didn't it strike 
you as rather odd, our being up there last night and Mrs. 
Tranfield not with us ? 

craven. Well, yes it did. But you explained it. And 
now really, Charteris, I must say your explanation was in 
shocking bad taste before Julia. 

charteris. Never mind. It was a good, fat, healthy, 
bouncing lie. 

craven and cuthbertson. Lie ! 

charteris. Didn't you suspect that ? 

craven. Certainly not. Did you, Jo ? 

cuthbertson. No, most emphatically. 

craven. What's more, I don't believe you. I'm sorry 
to have to say such a thing ; but you forget that Julia was 
present and didn't contradict you. 



40 The Philanderer Act II 

charteris. She didn't want to. 

craven. Do you mean to say that my daughter deceived 
me ? 

charteris. Delicacy towards me compelled her to, 
Craven. 

craven (taking a very serious tone). Now look here, 
Charteris : have you any proper sense of the fact that you're 
standing between two fathers ? 

cuthbertson. Quite right, Dan, quite right. I repeat 
the question on my own account. 

charteris. Well, I'm a little dazed still by standing for 
so long between two daughters ; but I think I grasp the sit- 
uation. (Cuthbertson flings away with an exclamation of 
disgust.} 

craven. Then I'm sorry for your manners, Charteris: 
that's all. (He turns away sulkily; then suddenly fires up 
and turns on Charteris.) How dare you tell me my 
daughter wants to marry you! Who are you, pray, that 
she should have any such ambition ? 

charteris. Just so; she couldn't have made a worse 
choice. But she won't listen to reason. I've talked to 
her like a father myself — I assure you, my dear Craven, 
I've said everything that you could have said; but it's no 
use: she won't give me up. And if she won't listen to 
m e, what likelihood is there of her listening to y o u ? 

craven (in angry bewilderment). Cuthbertson: did you 
ever hear anything like this ? 

cuthbertson. Never ! Never ! 

charteris. Oh, bother? Come, don't behave like a 
couple of conventional old fathers: this is a serious affair. 
Look at these letters (producing a letter and a letter-card.) 
This (showing the card) is from Grace — by the way, Cuth- 
bertson, I wish you'd ask her not to write on letter- 
cards: the blue colour makes it so easy for Julia to pick the 
bits out of my waste paper basket and piece them together. 



Act II The Philanderer 41 

Now listen. "My dear Leonard: Nothing could make 
it worth my while to be exposed to such scenes as last 
night's. You had much better go back to Julia and forget 
me. Yours sincerely, Grace Tranfield." 

cuthbertson (infuriated}. Damnation! 

charteris (turning to Craven and preparing to read the 
letter). Now for Julia. {The Colonel turns away to hide 
his face from Charteris, anticipating a shock, and puts his 
hand on a chair to steady himself} "My dearest boy: 
Nothing will make me believe that this odious woman can 
take my place in your heart. I send some of the letters 
you wrote me when we first met; and I ask you to read 
them. They will recall what you felt when you wrote 
them. You cannot have changed so much as to be indiffer- 
ent to me: whoever may have struck your fancy for the 
moment, your heart is still mine" — and so on: you know 
the sort of thing — "Ever and always your loving Julia." 
(The Colonel sinks on the chair and covers his face with his 
hand.) You don't suppose she's serious, do you: that's 
the sort of thing she writes me three times a day. (To 
Cuthbertson) Grace is in earnest though, confound it. (He 
holds out Grace* s letter.") A blue card as usual! This 
time I shall not trust the waste paper basket. (He goes to 
the fire, and throws the letters into it.) 

cuthbertson (facing him with folded arms as he comes 
down Again). May I ask, Mr. Charteris, is this the New 
Humour? 

charteris (still too preoccupied with his own difficulty to 
hava any sense of the effect he is producing on the others). 
Oh* stuff! Do you suppose it's a joke to be situated as I 
am f You've got your head so stuffed with the New Hu- 
mour and the New Woman and the New This, That and 
the Other, all mixed up with your own old Adam, that 
you've lost your senses. 

cuthbertson (strenuously). Do you see that old man, 



42 The Philanderer Act II 

grown grey in the honoured service of his country, whose 
last days you have blighted ? 

charteris (surprised, looking at Craven and realizing bis 
distress with genuine concern). I'm very sorry. Come, 
Craven; don't take it to heart. (Craven shakes his head.) 
I assure you it means nothing: it happens to me constantly. 

cuthbertson. There is only one excuse for you. You 
are not fully responsible for your actions. Like all ad- 
vanced people, you have got neurasthenia. 

charteris (appalled). Great Heavens ! what's that? 

cuthbertson. I decline to explain. You know as well 
as I do. I am going downstairs now to order lunch. I 
shall order it for three; but the third place is for Paramore, 
whom I have invited, not for you. (He goes out through 
the left hand door.) 

charteris (putting his hand on Craven's shoulder). Come, 
Craven; advise me. You've been in this sort of fix your- 
self probably. 

craven. Charteris : no woman writes such letters to a 
man unless he has made advances to her. 

charteris (mournfully). How little you know the 
world, Colonel ! The New Woman is not like that. 

craven. I can only give you very old fashioned ad- 
vice, my boy ; and that is that it's well to be off with the Old 
Woman before you're on with the New. I'm sorry you 
told me. You might have waited for my death : it's not 
far off now. (His head droops again. Julia and Paramore 
enter on the right. Julia stops as she catches sight of Char- 
teris, her face clouding and her breast heaving. Paramore, 
seeing the Colonel apparently ill, hurries down to him with the 
bedside manner in full play.) 

charteris (seeing Julia). Oh Lord ! (He retreats under 
the lee of the revolving bookstand.) 

paramore (sympathetically to the Colonel). Allow me. 
( Takes his wrist and begins to count his pulse. ) 



Act II The Philanderer 43 

craven (looking up). Eh? (Withdraws bis hand and 
rises rather crossly.) No, Paramore : it's not my liver now : 
it's private business. (A chase now begins between Julia and 
Cbarteris, all the more exciting to them because the huntress 
and her prey must alike conceal the real object of their move- 
ments from the others. Charter is first makes for the right 
hand door. Julia immediately moves back to it, barring his 
path. He doubles back round the bookstand, setting it whirl- 
ing as he makes for the left door, Julia crossing in pursuit of 
him. He is about to escape when he is cut off by the return of 
Cuthbertson. He turns back and sees Julia close upon him. 
There being nothing else for it, he bolts up into the recess to the 
left of the fireplace.') 

cuthbertson. Good morning, Miss Craven. {They shake 
hands.) Won't you join us at lunch ? Paramore' s coming 
too. 

julia. Thanks : I shall be very pleased. (She goes up 
with affected purposelessness towards the recess. Chart eris, 
almost trapped in it, crosses to the right hand recess by way of 
the fender, knocking down the fire irons with a crash as he 
does so. ) 

craven {who has crossed to the whirling bookcase and 
stopped it). What the dickens are you doing there, Charteris? 

charteris. Nothing. It's such a confounded ioom to 
get about in. 

julia (maliciously). Yes, isn't it. (She is moving back to 
guard the right hand door, when Cuthbertson appears at it. ) 

cuthbertson. May I take you down ? (He offers her 
his arm. ) 

julia. No, really: you know it's against the rules of the 
club to coddle women in any way. Whoever is nearest to 
the door goes first. 

cuthbertson. Oh well, if you insist. Come, gentlemen : 
let us go to lunch in the Ibsen fashion — the unsexed fashion. 
(He goes out on the left followed by Paramore, laughing. 



44 The Philanderer Act II 

Craven goes last. He turns at the door to see whether Julia 
is coming, and stops when he sees she is not. ) 

craven. Come, Julia. 

julia (with patronizing affection). Yes, Daddy, dear, 
presently. (Charter is is meanwhile stealing to the right hand 
door.) Don't wait for me : I'll come in a moment. (The 
Colonel hesitates.) It's all right, Daddy. 

craven (very gravely). Don't be long, my dear. (He 
goes out.) 

charteris. I'm off. (Makes a dash for the right hand door. ) 

julia (darting at him and seizing his wrist). Aren't you 
coming ? 

charteris. No. Unhand me Julia. (He tries to get 
away: she holds him.) If you don't let me go, I'll scream 
for help. 

julia (reproachfully). Leonard ! (He breaks away from 
her.*) Oh, how can you be so rough with me, dear. Did 
you get my letter ? 

charteris. Burnt it — (she turns away, struck to the heart, 
and buries her face in her hands) — along with hers. 

julia (quickly turning again). Her's ! Has she written 
to you ? 

charteris. Yes, to break off with me on your 
account. 

julia (her eyes gleaming) . Ah ! 

charteris. You are pleased. Wretch ! Now you 
have lost the last scrap of my regard. (He turns to go, but 
is stopped by the return of Sylvia. Julia turns away and 
stands pretending to read a paper which she picks up from the 
table. ) 

sylvia (offhandedly). Hallo, Charteris: how are you 
getting on? (She takes his arm familiarly and walks down 
the room with him.) Have you seen Grace Tranfield this 
morning? (Julia drops the paper and comes a step nearer to 
listen.) You generally know where she is to be found. 



Act II The Philanderer 45 

charteris. I shall never know any more, Sylvia. She's 
quarrelled with me. 

SYLVIA. Sylvia! How often am I to tell you that I am 
not Sylvia at the club ? 

charteris. I forgot. I beg your pardon, Craven, old 
chap {slaps her on the shoulder"). 

sylvia. That's better — a little overdone, but better. 

julia. Don't be a fool, Silly. 

sylvia. Remember, Julia, if you please, that here we 
are members of the club, not sisters. I don't take liberties 
with you here on family grounds: don't you take any with 
me. {She goes to the settee and resumes her former place.) 

charteris. Quite right, Craven. Down with the 
tyranny of the elder sister! 

julia. You ought to know better than to encourage a 
child to make herself ridiculous, Leonard, even at my 
expense. 

charteris {seating himself on the edge of the table). 
Your lunch will be cold, Julia. {Julia is about to retort 
furiously when she is checked by the reappearance of Cuth- 
bertson at the left hand door. ) 

cuthbertson. What has become of you, Miss Craven ? 
Your father is getting quite uneasy. We're all waiting for 
you. 

julia. So I have just been reminded, thank you. {She 
goes out angrily past him, Sylvia looking round to see. ) 

cuthbertson {looking first after her, then at Charteris). 
More neurasthenia! {He follows her.) 

sylvia {jumping up on her knees on the settee and speak- 
ing over the back of it). What's up, Charteris? Julia been 
making love to you? 

charteris {speaking to her over his shoulder). No. Blow- 
ing me up for making love to Grace. 

sylvia. Serve you right. You are an awful devil for 
philandering. 



46 The Philanderer Act II 

charteris (calmly). Do you consider it good club form 
to talk that way to a man who might nearly be your father ? 

sylvia (knowingly). Oh, I know you, my lad. 

charteris. Then you know that I never pay any special 
attention to any woman. 

sylvia (thoughtfully). Do you know, Leonard, I really 
believe you. I don't think you care a bit more for one 
woman than for another. 

charteris. You mean I don't care a bit less for one 
woman than another. 

sylvia. That makes it worse. But what I mean is that 
you never bother about their being only women: you talk 
to them just as you do to me or any other fellow. That's 
the secret of your success. You can't think how sick they 
get of being treated with the respect due to their sex. 

charteris. Ah, if Julia only had your wisdom, Craven ! 
(He gets off the table with a sigh and perches himself reflect- 
ively on the step ladder.) 

sylvia. She can't take things easy, can she, old man ? 
But don't you be afraid of breaking her heart: she gets over 
her little tragedies. We found that out at home when our 
great sorrow came. 

charteris. What was that? 

sylvia. I mean when we learned that poor papa had 
Paramore's disease. But it was too late to inoculate papa. 
All they could do was to prolong his life for two years 
more by putting him on a strict diet. Poor old boy ! they 
cut off his liquor; and he's not allowed to eat meat. 

charteris. Your father appears to me to be uncom- 
monly well. 

sylvia. Yes, you would think he was a great deal better. 
But the microbes are at work, slowly but surely. In 
another year it will be all over. Poor old Dad! it's un- 
feeling to talk about him in this attitude: I must sit down 
properly. (She comes down from the settee and takes the 



Act II The Philanderer 47 

chair near the bookstand. ) I should like papa to live for 
ever just to take the conceit out of Paramore. I believe 
he's in love with Julia. 

charteris. {starting up excitedly). In love with Julia ! 
A ray of hope on the horizon! Do you really mean it? 

sylvia. I should think I do. Why do you suppose he's 
hanging about the club to-day in a beautiful new coat and 
tie instead of attending to his patients? That lunch with 
Julia will finish him. He'll ask Daddy's consent before 
they come back — I'll bet you three to one he will, in any- 
thing you please. 

CHARTERIS. GloVCS? 

sylvia. No: cigarettes. 

charteris. Done! But what does she think about it? 
Does she give him any encouragement? 

sylvia. Oh, the usual thing. Enough to keep any other 
woman from getting him. 

charteris. Just so. I understand. Now listen to me: 
I am going to speak as a philosopher. Julia is jealous of 
everybody — e v e r y b o d y. If she saw you flirting with 
Paramore she'd begin to value him directly. You might 
play up a little, Craven, for my sake — eh? 

sylvia {rising). You're too awful, Leonard. For shame? 
However, anything to oblige a fellow Ibsenite. I'll bear 
your affair in mind. But I think it would be more effec- 
tive if you got Grace to do it. 

charteris. Think so? Hm! perhaps you're right. 

page boy {outside as before). Dr. Paramore, Dr. Para- 
more, Dr. Paramore 

sylvia. They ought to get that boy's voice properly cul- 
tivated: it's a disgrace to the club. {She goes into the re- 
cess on Ibsen* s left. The page enters carrying the British 
Medical Journal. ) 

charteris {calling to the page). Dr. Paramore is in the 
dining room. 



48 The Philanderer Act II 

page boy. Thank you, sir. (He is about to go into the 
dining room when Sylvia swoops on him. ) 

sylvia. Here: where are you taking that paper? It be- 
longs to this room. 

page boy. It's Dr. Paramore's particular orders, miss. 
The British Medical Journal has always to be brought to 
him dreckly it comes. 

sylvia. What cheek? Charteris: oughtn't we to stop 
this on principle? 

charteris. Certainly not. Principle's the poorest reason 
I know for making yourself nasty. 

sylvia. Bosh! Ibsen! 

charteris (to the page). Off with you, my boy: Dr. 
Paramore's waiting breathless with expectation. 

page boy (seriously). Indeed, sir. (He hurries off.) 

charteris. That boy will make his way in this country. 
He has no sense of humour. (Grace comes in. Her dress , 
very convenient and businesslike, is made to please herself and 
serve her own purposes without the slightest regard to 
fashion, though by no means without a careful concern for 
her personal elegance. She enters briskly, like an habitually 
busy woman.) 

sylvia (running to her). Here you are at last, Tranfield, 
old girl. I've been waiting for you this last hour. I'm 
starving. 

grace. All right, dear. ( To Charteris. ) Did you get 
my letter? 

charteris. Yes. I wish you wouldn't write on those 
confounded blue letter cards. 

sylvia (to Grace). Shall I go down first and secure a 
table? 

charteris (taking the reply out of Grace 9 s mouth). Do, 
old boy. 

sylvia. Don't be too long. (She goes into the dining 
room.) 



Act II The Philanderer 49 

GRACE. Well ? 

charteris. Pm afraid to face you after last night. Can 
you imagine a more horrible scene ? Don't you hate the 
very sight of me after it ? 

grace. Oh, no. 

charteris. Then you ought to. Ugh ! it was hideous 
— an insult — an outrage. A nice end to all my plans for 
making you happy — for making you an exception to all the 
women who swear I have made them miserable ! 

grace {sitting down placidly). I am not at all miserable. 
I'm sorry ; but I shan't break my heart. 

charteris. No : yours is a thoroughbred heart : you 
don't scream and cry every time it's pinched. That's why 
you are the only possible woman for me. 

grace {shaking her head). Not now. Never any more. 

charteris. Never ! What do you mean ? 

grace. What I say, Leonard. 

charteris. Jilted again ! The fickleness of women I 
love is only equaled by the infernal constancy of the women 
who love me. Well, well ! I see how it is, Grace : you 
can't get over that horrible scene last night. Imagine her 
saying I had kissed her within the last two days ! 

grace {rising eagerly). Was that not true ? 

charteris. True ! No : a thumping lie. 

grace. Oh, I'm so glad. That was the only thing that 
really hurt me. 

charteris. Just why she said it. How adorable of you 
to care ! My darling. (He seizes her hands and presses them 
to his breast. ) 

grace. Remember ! it's all broken off. 

charteris. Ah yes : you have my heart in your hands. 
Break it. Throw my happiness out of the window. 

grace. Oh, Leonard, does your happiness really depend 
on me ? 

charteris {tenderly). Absolutely. {She beams with delight. 



50 The Philanderer Act II 

A sudden revulsion comes to him at the sight', he recoils , 
dropping her hands and crying) Ah no : why should I lie to 
you ? {He folds his arms and adds firmly) My happiness 
depends on nobody but myself. I can do without you. 

grace {nerving herself). So you shall. Thank you for 
the truth. Now / will tell you the truth. 

charteris (unfolding his arms and again recoiling) . No, 
please. Don't. Asa philosopher, it's my business to 
tell other people the truth ; but it's not their business to tell 
it to me. I don't like it : it hurts. 

grace, (quietly). It's only that I love you. 

charteris. Ah! that's not a philosophic truth. You may 
tell me that as often as you like. (He takes her in his arms.) 

grace. Yes, Leonard ; but I'm an advanced woman. 
(He checks himself and looks at her in some consternation.) 
I'm what my father calls a New Woman. (He lets her go 
and stares at her.) I quite agree with all your ideas. 

charteris (scandalized). That's a nice thing for a re- 
spectable woman to say ! You ought to be ashamed of 
yourself. 

grace. I am quite in earnest about them too, though you 
are not ; and I will never marry a man I love too much. 
It would give him a terrible advantage over me : I should be 
utterly in his power. That's what the New Woman is 
like. Isn't she right, Mr. Philosopher ? 

charteris. The struggle between the Philosopher and the 
Man is fearful, Grace. But the Philosopher says you are 
right. 

grace. I know I am right. And so we must part. 

charteris. Not at all. You must marry some one else ; 
and then I'll come and philander with you. (Sylvia comes 
back.) 

sylvia (holding the door open.) Oh, I say : come along. 
I'm starving. 

charteris. So am I. I'll lunch with you if I may. 



Act II The Philanderer 51 

sylvia. I thought you would. Fve ordered soup for 
three. (Grace passes out. Sylvia continues, to Char tens') 
You can watch Paramore from our table: he's pretending 
to read the British Medical Journal; but he must be 
making up his mind for the plunge: he looks green with 
nervousness. 

charteris. Good luck to him ! (He goes out, followed 
by Sylvia.) 

END OF ACT II. 



ACT III 

Still the library. Ten minutes later. Julia, angry and 
miserable, comes in from the dining room, followed by Craven. 
She crosses the room tormentedly, and throws herself into a 
chair. 

craven {impatiently'). What i s the matter? Has every- 
one gone mad to-day? What do you mean by suddenly 
getting up from the table and tearing away like that? 
What does Paramore mean by reading his paper and not 
answering when he's spoken to? {Julia writhes impa- 
tiently.) Come, come {tenderly): won't my pet tell her 
own father what — (irritably) what the devil is wrong with 
everybody? Do pull yourself straight, Julia, before Cuth- 
bertson comes. He's only paying the bill: he'll be here in 
a moment. 

julia. I couldn't bear it any longer. Oh, to see them 
sitting there at lunch together, laughing, chatting, making 
game of me ! I should have screamed out in another 
moment — I should have taken a knife and killed her — I 
should have — (Cuthbertson appears with the luncheon bill in 
his hand. He stuffs it into his waistcoat pocket as he comes 
to them. He begins speaking the moment he enters. ) 

cuthbertson. I'm afraid you've had a very poor lunch, 
Dan. It's disheartening to see you picking at a few beans 
and drinking soda water. I wonder how you live! 

julia. That's all he ever takes, Mr. Cuthbertson, I as- 
sure you. He hates to be bothered about it. 



Act ill The Philanderer 53 

craven. Where's Paramore ? 

cuthbertson. Reading his paper. I asked him wasn't he 
coming; but he didn't hear me. It's amazing how anything 
scientific absorbs him, Clever man ! Monstrously clever man ! 

craven (pettishly). Oh yes, that's all very well, Jo ; 
but it's not good manners at table : he should shut up the 
shop sometimes. Heaven knows I am only too anxious to 
forget his science, since it has pronounced my doom. (He 
sits down with a melancholy air.) 

cuthbertson (compassionately). You musn't think about 
that, Craven : perhaps he was mistaken. (He sighs deeply 
and sits down.) But he is certainly a very clever fellow. 
He thinks twice before he commits himself. {They sit in 
silence, full of the gloomiest thoughts. Suddenly Paramore en- 
ters , pale and in the utmost disorder, with the British Medical 
Journal in his clenched hand. They rise in alarm. He tries 
to speak, but chokes, clutches at his throat, and staggers. 
Cuthbertson quickly takes his chair and places it behind Para- 
more, who sinks into it as they crowd about him, Craven at 
his right shoulder, Cuthbertson on his left, and Julia behind 
Craven.) 

craven. What's the matter, Paramore ? 

julia. Are you ill ? 

cuthbertson. No bad news, I hope ? 

paramore (despairingly). The worst of news ! Terrible 
news! Fatal news ! My disease 

craven (quickly). Do you mean my disease ? 

paramore (fiercely). I mean my disease — Paramore's 
disease — the disease I discovered — the work of my life. 
Look here (pointing to the B. M. J. with a ghastly ex- 
pression of horror. ) If this is true, it was all a mistake : 
there is no such disease. ( Cuthbertson and Julia look at one 
another, hardly daring to believe the good news. ) 

craven (in strong remonstrance). And you call this bad 
news ! Now really, Paramore 



54 The Philanderer Act III 

paramore (cutting bim short hoarsely.) It's natural for you 
to think only of yourself. I don't blame you : all invalids 
are selfish. Only a scientific man can feel what I feel now. 
(Writhing under a sense of intolerable injustice.) It's the 
fault of the wickedly sentimental laws of this country. I 
was not able to make experiments enough — only three dogs 
and a monkey. Think of that, with all Europe full of my 
professional rivals — men burning to prove me wrong ! 
There is freedom in France — enlightened republican France. 
One Frenchman experiments on two hundred monkeys to 
disprove my theory. Another sacrifices ^36 — three hun- 
dred dogs at three francs apiece — to upset the monkey ex- 
periments. A third proves them to be both wrong by a 
single experiment in which he gets the temperature of a 
camel's liver 60 degrees below zero. And now comes this 
cursed Italian who has ruined me. He has a government 
grant to buy animals with, besides the run of the largest 
hospital in Italy. (With desperate resolution) But I won't 
be beaten by any Italian. I'll go to Italy myself. I'll re- 
discover my disease : I know it exists ; I feel it ; and I'll 
prove it if I have to experiment on every mortal animal 
that's got a liver at all. (He folds his arms and breathes 
hard at them.) 

craven (his sense of injury growing upon him). Am I to 
understand, Paramore, that you took it on yourself to pass 
sentence of death — yes, of Death — on me, on the strength 
of three dogs and an infernal monkey ? 

paramore (utterly contemptuous of Craven's narrow per- 
sonal view of the matter}. Yes. That was all I could get a 
license for. 

craven. Now upon my soul, Paramore, I'm vexed at 
this. k I don't wish to be unfriendly ; but I'm extremely 
vexed, really. Why, confound it, do you realize what 
you've done ? You've cut off my meat and drink for a 



Act III The Philanderer 55 

year — made me an object of public scorn — a miserable 
vegetarian and a teetotaller. 

paramore (rising). Well, you can make up for lost time 
now. (Bitterly, shewing Craven the Journal) There \ 
you can read for yourself. The camel was fed on beef 
dissolved in alcohol; and he gained weight under it. Eat 
and drink as much as you please. (Still unable to stand 
without support, he makes his way past Cuthbertson to the 
revolving bookcase and stands there with his back to them, 
leaning on it with his head on his hand. ) 

craven (grumbling). Oh yes, it's very easy for you to 
talk, Paramore. But what am I to say to the Humanita- 
rian societies and the Vegetarian societies that have made 
me a Vice President? 

cuthbertson (chuckling). Aha! You made a virtue of 
it, did you, Dan? 

craven (warmly). I made a virtue of necessity, Jo. 
No one can blame me. 

julia (soothing him). Well, never mind, Daddy. Come 
back to the dining room and have a good beefsteak. 

craven (shuddering). Ugh ! (Plaintively) No: Pve 
lost my old manly taste for it. My very nature's been 
corrupted by living on pap. (To Paramore.) That's what 
comes of all this vivisection. You go experimenting on 
horses; and of course the result is that you try to get me 
into condition by feeding me on beans. 

paramore (curtly, without changing his position). Well, 
if they've done you good, so much the better for you. 

craven (querulously). That's all very well; but it's very 
vexing. You don't half see how serious it is to make a 
man believe that he has only another year to live: you 
really don't, Paramore: I can't help saying it. I've made 
my will, which was altogether unnecessary; and I've been 
reconciled to a lot of people I'd quarrelled with — people I 



56 The Philanderer Act III 

can't stand under ordinary circumstances. Then I've let 
the girls get round me at home to an extent I should never 
have done if I'd had my life before me. I've done a lot 
of serious thinking and reading and extra church going. 
And now it turns out simple waste of time. On my soul, 
it's too disgusting: I'd far rather die like a man when I 
said I would. 

paramore (as before). Perhaps you may. Your heart's 
shaky, if that's any satisfaction to you. 

craven {offended'). You must excuse me, Paramore, if 
I say that I no longer feel any confidence in your opinion 
as a medical man. (Paramore* s eye jlasbes: he straightens 
himself and listens. ) I paid you a pretty stiff fee for that 
consultation when you condemned me; and I can't say I 
think you gave me value for it. 

paramore (turning and facing Craven with dignity). 
That's unanswerable, Colonel Craven. I shall return the 
fee. 

craven. Oh, it's not the money; but I think you ought 
to realize your position. {Paramore turns stiffly away. 
Craven follows him impulsively, exclaiming remorsefully) 
Well, perhaps it was a nasty thing of me to allude to it. 
{He offers Paramore his hand.) 

paramore (conscientiously taking it). Not at all. You are 
quite in the right, Colonel Craven, my diagnosis was 
wrong; and I must take the consequences. 

craven (holding his hand). No, don't say that. It was 
natural enough: my liver is enough to set any man's diag- 
nosis wrong. (A long handshake, very trying to Paramore' s 
nerves. Paramore then retires to the recess on Ibsen' s left, 
and throws himself on the divan with a half suppressed sob,-, 
bending over the British Medical Journal with his bead on 
his hands and his elbows on his knees.) 

cuthbertson (who has been rejoicing with Julia at the 
other side of the room). Well, let's say no more about it. 



Act III The Philanderer 57 

I congratulate you, Craven, and hope you may long be 
spared. (Craven offers bis band.} No, Dan: your 
daughter first. (He takes Julia* s band gently and bands 
ber across to Craven, into whose arms sbe flies with a gush 
of feeling. ) 

julia. Dear old Daddy ! 

craven. Ah, is Julia glad that the old Dad is let off for 
a few years more? 

julia (almost crying). Oh, so glad: so glad! (Cuthbert- 
son sobs audibly. The Colonel is affected. Sylvia, entering 
from the dining room, stops abruptly at the door on seeing the 
three. Paramore, in the recess, escapes her notice,) 

sylvia. Hallo ! 

craven. Tell her the news, Julia: it would sound ridicu- 
lous from me. (He goes to the weeping Cuthbertson, and 
pats bim consolingly on the shoulder.) 

julia. Silly: only think! Dad's not ill at all. It was 
only a mistake of Dr. Paramore' s. Oh, dear! (She catches 
Craven's left band and stoops to kiss it, bis right band being 
still on Cuthbertson* s shoulder.) 

sylvia (contemptuously). I knew it. Of course it was 
nothing but eating too much. I always said Paramore was 
an ass. (Sensation. Cuthbertson, Craven and Julia turn 
in consternation.) 

paramore (without malice). Never mind, Miss Craven. 
That is what is being said all over Europe now. Never 
mind. 

sylvia (a little abashed). I'm so sorry, Dr. Paramore. 
You must excuse a daughter's feelings. 

craven (huffed). It evidently doesn't make much differ- 
ence to you, Sylvia. 

sylvia. I'm not going to be sentimental over it, Dad, 
you may bet. (Coming to Craven.) Besides, I knew it 
was nonsense all along. (Petting bim. ) Poor dear old 
Dad ! why should your days be numbered any more than 



58 The Philanderer Act III 

any one else's ? (He pats her cheek, mollified. Julia im- 
patiently turns away from tbem.) Come to the smoking 
room, and let's see what you can do after teetotalling for a 
year. 

craven (playfully). Vulgar little girl! (He pinches her 
ear.) Shall we come, Jo! You'll be the better for a pick- 
me-up after all this emotion. 

cuthbertson. I'm not ashamed of it, Dan. It has done 
me good. (He goes up to the table and shakes his fist at the 
bust over the mantelpiece.) It would do y ou good too if 
you had eyes and ears to take it in. 

craven (astonished). Who? 

SYLVIA. Why, good old Henrik, of course. 

craven (puzzled). Henrik? 

cuthbertson (impatiently). Ibsen, man: Ibsen. (He 
goes out by the staircase door followed by Sylvia, who kisses 
her hand to the bust as she passes. Craven stares blankly 
after her, and then up at the bust. Giving the problem up 
as insoluble, he shakes his head and follows them. Near the 
door he checks himself and comes back.) 

craven (softly). By the way, Paramore ? — 

paramore (rousing himself with an effort). Yes? 

craven. You weren't in earnest that time about my 
heart, were you ? 

paramore. Oh, nothing, nothing. There's a slight 
murmur — mitral valves a little worn, perhaps; but they'll 
last your time if you're careful. Don't smoke too much. 

craven. What! More privations! Now really, Para- 
more, really — 

paramore (rising distractedly). Excuse me: I can't pur- 
sue the subject. I — I — 

julia. Don't worry him now, Daddy. 

craven. Well, well: I won't. (He comes to Paramore 9 
who is pacing restlessly up and down the middle of the room.) 
Come, Paramore, I'm not selfish, believe me: I can feel 



Act III The Philanderer 59 

For your disappointment. But you must face it like a man. 
And after all, now really, doesn't this shew that there's a 
lot of rot about modern science ? Between ourselves, you 
know, it's horribly cruel: you must admit that it's a deuced 
nasty thing to go ripping up and crucifying camels and 
monkeys. It must blunt all the finer feelings sooner or 
later. 

paramore (turning on hint). How many camels and 
horses and men were ripped up in that Soudan campaign 
where you won your Victoria Cross, Colonel Craven ? 

craven (firing up). That was fair fighting — a very differ- 
ent thing, Paramore. 

paramore. Yes, Martinis and machine guns against 
naked spearmen. 

craven (hotly). I took my chance with the rest, Dr. 
Paramore. I risked my own life: don't forget that. 

paramore (with equal spirit). And I have risked mine, 
as all doctors do, oftener than any soldier. 

craven. That's true. I didn't think of that. I beg 
your pardon, Paramore: I'll never say another word against 
your profession. But I hope you'll let me stick to the good 
old-fashioned shaking up treatment for my liver — a clinking 
run across country with the hounds. 

paramore (with bitter irony). Isn't that rather cruel — a 
pack of dogs ripping up a fox ? 

julia (coming coaxingly between them). Oh, please don't 
begin arguing again. Do go to the smoking room, Daddy: 
Mr. Cuthbertson will wonder what has become of you. 

craven. Very well, very well: I'll go. But you're 
really not reasonable to-day, Paramore, to talk that way of 
fair sport — 

julia. Sh — sh (coaxing him toward the door). 

craven. Well, well, I'm off. (He goes goodhumoredly, 
pushed out by Julia.) 

julia (turning at the door with her utmost witchery of 



60 The Philanderer Act III 

manner.) Don't look so disappointed, Dr. Paramorc. Cheer 
up. You've been most kind to us; and you've done papa 
a lot of good. 

paramore (delighted, rushing over to her). How beauti- 
ful it is of you to say that to me, Miss Craven! 

julia. I hate to see any one unhappy. I can't bear un- 
happiness. (She runs out, casting a Parthian glance at him 
as she flies. Paramore stands enraptured, gazing after her 
through the glass door. Whilst he is thus absorbed Char- 
ter is comes in from the dining room and touches him on the 
arm.) 

paramore (starting). Eh! What's the matter ? 

charteris (significantly). Charming woman, isn't she, 
Paramore? (Looking admiringly at him.) How have you 
managed to fascinate her ? 

paramore. I ! Do you really mean — (He looks at 
him; then recovers himself and adds coldly.) Excuse me: 
this is a subject I do not care to jest about. (He walks 
away from Charteris down the side of the room, and sits 
down in an easy chair reading his Journal to intimate that 
he does not wish to pursue the conversation. ) 

charteris (ignoring the hint and coolly taking a chair 
beside him). Why don't you get married, Paramore? You 
know it's a scandalous thing for a man in your profession to 
be single. 

paramore (shortly, still pretending to read). That's my 
own business, not yours. 

charteris. Not at all: it's pre-eminently a social ques- 
tion. You're going to get married, aren't you ? 

paramore. Not that I am aware of. 

charteris (alarmed). No! Don't say that. Why? 

paramore (rising angrily and rapping one of the silence 
placards). Allow me to call your attention to that. (He 
crosses to the easy chair near the revolving bookstand, and 
flings himself into it with determined hostility*) 



Act III The Philanderer 61 

charteris {following him, too deeply concerned to mind 
the rebuff}. Paramore: you alarm me more than I can say. 
You've been and muffed this business somehow. I know 
perfectly well what you've been up to; and I fully expected 
to find you a joyful accepted suitor. 

paramore (angrily). Yes, you have been watching me 
because you admire Miss Craven yourself. Well, you may 
go in and win now. You will be pleased to hear that I 
am a ruined man. 

charteris. You ! Ruined ! How ? The turf? 

paramore (contemptuously'). The turf!! Certainly not. 

charteris. Paramore: if the loan of all I possess will 
help you over this difficulty, you're welcome to it. 

paramore {rising in surprise). Charteris! I — (suspi- 
ciously. ) Are you joking? 

charteris. Why on earth do you always suspect me of 
joking ? I never was more serious in my life. 

paramore {shamed by Charteris* 's generosity). Then I 
beg your pardon. I thought the news would please you. 

charteris (deprecating this injustice to his good feeling) . 
My dear fellow — ! 

paramore. I see I was wrong. I am really very sorry. 
(They shake hands.) And now you may as well learn the 
truth. I had rather you heard it from me than from the 
gossip of the club. My liver discovery has been — er — 
er — (he cannot bring himself to say it). 

charteris (helping him out). Confirmed ? {Sadly.) I see : 
the poor Colonel's doomed. 

paramore. No: on the contrary, it has been — er — 
called in question. The Colonel now believes himself to 
be in perfectly good health ; and my friendly relations with 
the Cravens are entirely spoiled. 

charteris. Who told him about it ? 

paramore. I did, of course, the moment I read the news in 
this. (He shews the Journal and puts it down on the bookstand.) 



62 The Philanderer Act III 

charteris. Why, man, you've been a messenger of glad 
tidings ! Didn't you congratulate him ? 

paramore {scandalized ' ). Congratulate him! Congratu- 
late a man on the worst blow pathological science has re- 
ceived for the last three hundred years ! 

charteris. No, no, no. Congratulate him on having 
his life saved. Congratulate Julia on having her father 
spared. Swear that your discovery and your reputation are 
as nothing to you compared with the pleasure of restoring 
happiness to the household in which the best hopes of your 
life are centred. Confound it, man, you'll never get mar- 
ried if you can't turn things to account with a woman in 
these little ways. 

paramore (gravely). Excuse me; but my self-respect 
is dearer to me even than Miss Craven. I cannot trifle 
with scientific questions for the sake of a personal advantage. 
{He turns away coldly and goes toward the table.) 

charteris. Well, this beats me ! The nonconformist 
conscience is bad enough ; but the scientific conscience is 
the very devil. (He follows Paramore and puts his arm 
familiarly round his shoulder, bringing him back again whilst 
he speaks.) Now look here, Paramore : I've got no con- 
science in that sense at all : I loathe it as I loathe all the 
snares of idealism ; but I have some common humanity and 
common sense. (He replaces him in the easy chair and sits 
down opposite him.) Come : what is a really scientific the- 
ory ? — a true theory, isn't it ? 

PARAMORE. No doubt. 

charteris. For instance, you have a theory about Cra- 
ven's liver, eh ? 

paramore. 1 still believe that to be a true theory, though 
it has been upset for the moment. 

charteris. And you have a theory that it would be 
pleasant to be married to Julia ? 

paramore. I suppose so — in a sense. 



Act III The Philanderer 63 

charteris. That theory also will be upset, probably, be- 
fore you're a year older. 

paramore. Always cynical, Charteris. 

charteris. Never mind that. Now it's a perfectly 
damnable thing for you to hope that your liver theory is 
true, because it amounts to hoping that Craven will die an 
agonizing death. {This strikes Paramore as paradoxical ; 
but it startles him.') But it's amiable and human to hope 
that your theory about Julia is right, because it amounts to 
hoping that she may live happily ever after. 

paramore. I do hope that with all my soul — {correcting 
himself) I mean with all my function of hoping. 

charteris. Then, since both theories are equally 
scientific, why not devote yourself, as a humane man, to 
proving the amiable theory rather than the damnable one ? 

PARAMORE. But how ? 

charteris. I'll tell you. You think I'm fond of Julia 
myself. So lam; but then I'm fond of everybody ; so I 
don't count. Besides, if you try the scientific experiment 
of asking her whether she loves me, she'll tell you that she 
hates and despises me. So I'm out of the running. Never- 
theless, like you, I hope that she may be happy with all my 
- — what did you call your soul ? 

paramore (impatiently). Oh, go on, go on: finish what 
you were going to say. 

charteris {suddenly affecting complete indifference, and 
rising carelessly). I don't know that I have anything more 
to say. If I were you I should invite the Cravens to tea 
in honor of the Colonel's escape from a horrible doom. 
By the way, if you've done with that British Medical 
Journal, I should like to see how they've smashed your 
theory up. 

paramore {wincing as he also rises). Oh, certainly, if 
you wish it. I have no objection. {He takes the Journal 
from the bookstand.) I admit that the Italian experiments 



64 The Philanderer Act III 

apparently upset my theory. But please remember 
that it is doubtful — extremely doubtful — whether anything 
can be proved by experiments on animals. (He hands 
Charteris the Journal. ) 

charteris {taking it). It doesn't matter: I don't in- 
tend to make any. (He retires to the recess on Ibsen's right, 
picking up the step ladder as he passes and placing it so that 
he is able to use it for a leg rest as he settles himself to read 
on the divan with his back to the corner of the mantelpiece. 
Paramore goes to the left hand door, and is about to leave 
the library when he meets Grace entering.) 

grace. How do you do, Dr. Paramore. So glad to see 
you. ( They shake hands. ) 

paramore. Thanks. Quite well, I hope ? 

grace. Quite, thank you. You're looking overworked. 
We must take more care of you, Doctor. 

paramore. You are very kind. 

grace. It is you who are too kind — to your patients. 
You sacrifice yourself. Have a little rest. Come and talk 
to me — tell me all about the latest scientific discoveries, and 
what I ought to read to keep myself up to date. But per- 
haps you're busy. 

paramore. No, not at all. Only too delighted. (They 
go into the recess on Ibsen' s left, and sit there chatting in 
whispers, very confidentially.) 

charteris. How they all love a doctor ! They can say 
what they like to him! (Julia returns. He takes his feet 
down from the ladder and sits up.) Whew! (Julia wan- 
ders down his side of the room, apparently looking for some- 
one. Charteris steals after her.) 

charteris (in a low voice). Looking for me, Julia? 

julia (starting violently). Oh! How you startled me! 

charteris. Sh! I want to shew you something. Look! 
(He points to the pair in the recess.) 

julia (jealously). That woman! 



Act III The Philanderer 65 

charteris. M y young woman, carrying off your 
young man. 

julia. What do you mean ? Do you dare insinuate — 

charteris. Sh — sh — sh! Don't disturb them. (Para- 
more rises; takes down a book; and sits on a footstool at 
Grace* s feet.} 

julia. Why are they whispering like that ? 

charteris. Because they don't want anyone to hear what 
they are saying to one another. (Paramore shews Grace a 
picture in the book. They both laugh heartily over it.) 

julia. What is he shewing her ? 

charteris. Probably a diagram of the liver. (Julia, 
with an exclamation of disgust makes for the recess, Char- 
teris catches her sleeve.) Stop : be careful, Julia. (She 
frees herself by giving him a push which upsets him into the 
easy chair ; then crosses to the recess and stands looking down 
at Grace and Paramore from the corner next the fireplace.) 

Julia (with suppressed fury). You seem to have found 
a very interesting book, Dr. Paramore. ( They look up, as- 
tonished. ) May I ask what it is ? (She stoops swiftly ; snatches 
the book from Paramore ; and comes down to the table quickly 
to look at it whilst they rise in amazement.) Good Words ! 
(She filings it on the table and sweeps back past Charteris, ex- 
claiming contemptuously) You fool ! (Paramore and Grace, 
meanwhile, come fir om the recess ; Paramore bewildered, Grace 
very determined ) . 

charteris (aside to Julia as he gets out ofi the easy chair). 
Idiot ! She'll have you turned out of the club for this. 

julia (terrified). She can't — can she ? 

paramore. What is the matter, Miss Craven ? 

charteris (hastily). Nothing — my fault — a stupid, prac- 
tical joke. I beg your pardon and Mrs. Tranfield's. 

grace (firmly). It is not your fault in the least, Mr. Char 
teris. Dr. Paramore : will you oblige me by finding Sylvia 
Craven for me, if you can ? 



66 The Philanderer Act III 

paramore (hesitating). But — 

grace. I want you to go n o w, if you please. 

paramore (succumbing). Certainly. (He bows and goes 
out by the staircase door.) 

grace. You are going with him, Charteris. 

julia. You will not leave me here to be insulted by this 
woman, Mr. Charteris. (She takes his arm as if to go 
with him.) 

grace. When two ladies quarrel in this club, it is against 
the rules to settle it when there are gentlemen present — 
especially the gentleman they are quarrelling about. I pre- 
sume you do not wish to break that rule, Miss Craven. 
(Julia sullenly drops Charteris* s arm. Grace turns to Char- 
teris and adds) Now ! Trot off. 

charteris. Certainly, certainly. (He follows Paramore 
ignominious ly.) 

grace (to Julia, with quiet peremptoriness). Now : what 
have you to say to me ? 

julia (suddenly throwing herself tragically on her knees at 
Grace* s feet). Don't take him from me. Oh don't — don't 
be so cruel. Give him back to me. You don't know what 
you're doing — what our past has been — how I love him. 
You don't know — 

grace. Get up ; and don't be a fool. Suppose anyone 
comes in and sees you in that ridiculous attitude ! 

julia. I hardly know what I'm doing. I don't care 
what I'm doing: I'm too miserable. Oh, won't you listen 
to me? 

grace. Do you suppose I am a man to be imposed on 
by this sort of rubbish ? 

julia (getting up and looking darkly at her). You intend 
to take 'him from me, then ? 

grace. Do you expect me to help you to keep him after 
the way you have behavedj? 

julia (trying her theatrical method in a milder form-- 



Act III The Philanderer 67 

reasonable and impulsively goodnatured instead of tragic). I 
know I was wrong to act as I did last night. I beg your 
pardon. I am sorry. I was mad. 

grace. Not a bit mad. You calculated to an inch how 
far you could go. When he is present to stand between us 
and play out the scene with you, I count for nothing. When 
we are alone you fall back on your natural way of getting 
anything you want — crying for it like a baby until it is 
given to you. . 

julia {with unconcealed hatred). You learnt this from 
him. 

grace. I learnt it from yourself, last night and now. 
How I hate to be a woman when I see, by you, what 
wretched childish creatures we are ! Those two men would 
cut you dead and have you turned out of the club if you 
were a man and had behaved in such a way before them. 
But because you are only a woman, they are forbearing, 
sympathetic, gallant — Oh, if you had a scrap of self- 
respect, their indulgence would make you creep all over. 
I understand now why Charteris has no respect for women. 

julia. How dare you say that ? 

grace. Dare! I love him. And I have refused his offer 
to marry me. 

julia {incredulous but hopeful). You have refused ! 

grace. Yes : because I will not give myself to any man 
who has learnt how to treat women from you and your like. 
I can do without his love, but not without his respect ; 
and it is your fault that I cannot have both. Take his love 
then ; and much good may it do you ! Run to him and 
beg him to have mercy on you and take you back. 

julia. Oh, what a liar you are ! He loved me before 
he ever saw you — before he ever dreamt of you, you piti- 
ful thing. Do you think / need go down on my knees to 
men to make them come to me ? That may be ^our ex- 



68 The Philanderer Act III 

perience, you creature with no figure : it is not mine. 
There are dozens of men who would give their souls for a 
look from me. I have only to lift my finger. 

grace. Lift it then ; and see whether h e will come. 

julia. How I should like to kill you! I don't know why 
r don't. 

grace. Yes : you like to get out of your difficulties 
cheaply — at other people's expense. It is something to 
boast of, isn't it, that dozens of men would make love to 
you if you invited them ? 

julia (sullenly*). I suppose it's better to be like you, 
with a cold heart and a serpent's tongue. Thank Heaven, 
I have a heart : that is why you can hurt me as I cannot 
hurt you. And you are a coward. You are giving him 
up to me without a struggle. 

grace. Yes, it is for you to struggle. I wish you suc- 
cess. (She turns away contemptuously and is going to the 
dining-room door when Sylvia enters on the opposite side, fol- 
lowed by Cuthbertson and Craven, who come to Julia, whilst 
Sylvia crosses to Grace. ) 

sylvia. Here I am, sent by the faithful Paramore. He 
hinted that I'd better bring the elder members of the family 
too: here they are. What's the row? 

grace (quietly). Nothing, dear. There's no row. 

julia (hysterically, tottering and stretching out her arms 
to Craven). Daddy! 

craven (taking her in his arms). My precious! What's 
the matter ? 

julia (through her tears). She's going to have me ex- 
pelled from the club; and we shall all be disgraced. Can 
she do it, Daddy? 

craven. Well, really, the rules of this club are so ex- 
traordinary that I don't know. (To Grace). May I ask, 
Mrs. Tranfield, whether you have any complaint to make 
of my daughter's conduct? 



Act III The Philanderer 69 

grace. Yes, Colonel Craven. I am going to complain 
to the committee. 

sylvia. I knew you' d overdo it some day, Julia. ( Craven, 
at a loss, looks at Cuthbertson. ) 

cuthbertson. Don't look at me, Dan. Within these 
walls a father's influence counts for nothing. 

craven. May I ask the ground of complaint, Mrs. Tran- 
field? 

grace. Simply that Miss Craven is essentially a womanly 
woman, and, as such, not eligible for membership. 

julia. It's false. I'm not a womanly woman. I was 
guaranteed when I joined just as you were. 

grace. By Mr. Charteris, I think, at your own request. 
I shall call him as a witness to your thoroughly womanly con- 
duct just now in his presence and Dr. Paramore's. 

craven. Cuthbertson: are they joking; or am I dreaming? 

cuthbertson (grimly'). It's real, Dan : you're awake. 

sylvia [taking Craven's left arm and hugging it affection- 
ately). Dear old Rip Van Winkle ! 

craven. Well, Mrs. Tranfield, all I can say is that I 
hope you will succeed in establishing your complaint, and 
that Julia may soon see the last of this most outrageous insti- 
tution. (Sylvia, still caressing bis arm, laughs at him; 
Charteris returns. ) 

charteris (at the door). May I come in? 

sylvia (releasing the Colonel). Yes : you're wanted here 
as a witness. (Charteris comes in.) It's a bad case of 
womanliness. 

grace (half aside to him, significantly). You understand. 
(Julia, watching them jealously, leaves her father and gets 
close to Charteris. Grace adds aloud) I shall expect your 
support before the committee. 

julia. If you have a scrap of manhood you will take my 
part. 

charteris. But then I shall be expelled for being a 



70 The Philanderer Act III 

manly man. Besides, I'm on the committee myself; I 
can't act as judge and witness, too. You must apply to 
Paramore : he saw it all. 

grace. Where is Dr. Paramore? 

charteris. Just gone home. 

julia {with sudden resolution). What is Dr. Paramore' s 
number in Savile Row ? 

charteris. Seventy-nine. (Julia goes out quickly by the 
staircase door, to their astonishment. Charteris follows her 
to the door, which swings back in his face, leaving him staring 
after her through the glass. Sylvia runs to Grace.) 

sylvia. Grace : go after her. Don't let her get before- 
hand with Paramore. She'll tell him the most heartbreak- 
ing stories about how she's been treated, and get him round 
completely. 

craven (thundering) . Sylvia! Is that the way to speak 
of your sister, miss? (Grace squeezes Sylvia* s hand to console 
her, and sits down calmly. Sylvia posts herself behind Grace's 
chair, leaning over the back to watch the ensuing colloquy 
between the three men.) I assure you, Mrs. Tranfield, Dr. 
Paramore has just invited us all to take afternoon tea with 
him ; and if my daughter has gone to his house, she is 
simply taking advantage of his invitation to extricate herself 
from a very embarrassing scene here. We're all going 
there. Come, Sylvia. (He turns to go, followed by Cuth- 
bertson.) 

charteris (in consternation). Stop! (He gets between 
Craven and Cuthbertson.) What hurry is there? Can't 
you give the man time ? 

craven. Time! What for? 

charteris (talking foolishly in his agitation). Well, to 
get a little rest, you know — a busy professional man like 
that ! He's not had a moment to himself all day. 

craven. But Julia's with him. 

charteris. Well, no matter : she's only one person. 



Act III The Philanderer 71 

And she ought to have an opportunity of laying her case 
before him. As a member of the committee, I think that's 
only just. Be reasonable, Craven : give him half an hour. 

cuthbertson (sternly). What do you mean by this, 
Charteris? 

charteris. Nothing, I assure you. Only common con- 
sideration for poor Paramore. 

cuthbertson. You've some motive. Craven : I strongly 
advise that we go at once. (He grasps the door handle.) 

charteris (coaxingly). No, no. (He puts bis hand 
persuasively on Craven's arm, adding) It's not good for 
your liver, Craven, to rush about immediately after lunch. 

cuthbertson. His liver's cured. Come on, Craven. 
(He opens the door.) 

charteris (catching Cuthbertson by the sleeve). Cuth- 
bertson, you're mad. Paramore' s going to propose to 
Julia. We must give him time : he's not the man to come 
to the point in three minutes as you or I would. (Turning 
to Craven) Don't you see? — that will get me out of the 
difficulty we were speaking of this morning — you and I 
and Cuthbertson. You remember? 

craven. Now, is this a thing to say plump out before 
everybody, Charteris? Confound it, have you no decency? 

cuthbertson (severely). None whatever. 

charteris (turning to Cuthbertson). No — don't be 
unkind, Cuthbertson. Back me up. My future, her 
future, Mrs. Tranfield's future, Craven's future, every- 
body's future depends on our finding Julia Paramore' s 
affianced bride when we go over to Savile Row. He's 
certain to propose if you'll only give him time. You know 
you're a kindly and sensible man as well as a deucedly clever 
one, Cuthbertson, in spite of all your nonsense. Say a 
word for me. 

craven. I'm quite willing to leave the decision to Cuth- 
bertson ; and I have no doubt whatever as to what that 



72 The Philanderer Act III 

decision will be. ( Cuthbertson carefully shuts the door, and 
comes back into the room with an air of weighty reflection.) 

cuthbertson. I am now going to speak as a man of the 
world: that is, without moral responsibility. 

craven. Quite so, Jo. Of course. 

cuthbertson. Therefore, though I have no sympathy- 
whatever with Charteris' s views, I think we can do no 
harm by waiting — say ten minutes or so. ([He sits down.) 

charteris (delighted). Ah, there's nobody like you 
after all, Cuthbertson, when there's a difficult situation to be 
judged. 

craven (deeply disappointed). Oh, well, Jo, if that is 
your decision, I must keep my word and abide by it. 
Better sit down and make ourselves comfortable, I suppose. 
(He sits also, under protest. ) 

charteris (fidgeting about). I can't sit down : I'm too 
restless. The fact is, Julia has made me so nervous that I 
can't answer for myself until I know her decision. Mrs. 
Tranfield will tell you what a time I've had lately. Julia's 
really a most determined woman, you know. 

craven (starting up). Well, upon my life ! Upon my 
honor and conscience ! ! Now really ! ! ! I shall go this 
instant. Come on, Sylvia. Cuthbertson: I hope you'll 
mark your sense of this sort of thing by coming on to Para- 
more' s with us at once. (He marches to the door.) 

charteris (desperately). Craven: you're trifling with your 
daughter's happiness. I only ask five minutes more. 

craven. Not five seconds, sir. Fie for shame, Char- 
teris! (He goes out.) 

cuthbertson (to Charteris, as he passes him on his way to 
the door). Bungler! (He follows Craven.) 

SYLVIA. Serve you right, you duffer! (She follows 
Cuthbertson. ) 

charteris. Oh, these headstrong old men ! (To Grace) 
Nothing to be done now but go with them and delay the 



Act III The Philanderer 73 

Colonel as much as possible. So I'm afraid I must leave 
you. 

grace (rising). Not at all. Paramore invited me, too, 
when we were talking over there. 

charteris (aghast'). You don't mean to say you're 
coming ! 

grace. Most certainly. Do you suppose I will let that 
woman think I am afraid to meet her ? ( Charteris sinks on 
a chair with a prolonged groan.) Come: don't be silly: 
you'll not overtake the Colonel if you delay any longer. 

charteris. Why was I ever born, child of misfortune 
that I am! (He rises despairingly.) Well, if you must 
come, you must. (He offers his arm, which she takes.) By 
the way, what happened after I left you ? 

grace. I gave her a lecture on her behavior which she 
will remember to the last day of her life. 

charteris (approvingly). That was right, darling. 
(He slips his arm round her waist.) Just one kiss — to 
soothe me. 

grace (complacently offering her cheek). Foolish boy! 
(He kisses her.) Now come along. ( They go out together.) 



ACT IV 

Sitting-room in Paramore' s apartments in Savile Row. 
The darkly respectable furniture is, so to speak, en suite with 
Paramore' s frock coat and cuffs. Viewing the room from the 
front windows, the door is seen in the opposite wall near the 
left hand corner. Another door, a light, noiseless partition 
one covered with a green baize, is in the right hand wall 
toward the back, leading to Paramore's consulting room. 
The fireplace is on the left. At the nearest corner of it a 
couch is placed at right angles to the wall, settlewise. On 
the right the wall is occupied by a bookcase, further forward 
than the green baize door. Beyond the door is a cabinet of 
anatomical preparations, with a framed photograph of Rem- 
brandt's School of Anatomy hanging on the wall above it. In 
front, a little to the right, a tea-table. 

Par amor e is seated in a rtund-backed chair, on castors, 
pouring out tea. Julia sits opposite him, with her back to the 
fire. He is in high spirits : she very downcast. 

paramo re {handing her the cup he has just filled}. There! 
Making tea is one of the few things I consider myself able 
to do thoroughly well. Cake ? 

julia. No, thank you. I don't like sweet things. {She 
sets down the cup un tasted.) 

paramore. Anything wrong with the tea ? 

julia. No, it's very nice. 

paramore. I'm afraid I'm a very bad entertainer. The 



Act IV The Philanderer 75 

fact is, I'm too professional. I only shine in consultation. 
I almost wish you had something the matter with you ; so 
that you might call out my knowledge and sympathy. As 
it is, I can only admire you, and feel how pleasant it is to 
have you here. 

julia (bitterly). And pet me, and say pretty things to 
me! I wonder you don't offer me a saucer of milk at once? 

paramore (astonished). Why? 

julia. Because you seem to regard me very much as if I 
were a Persian cat. 

paramore (in strong remonstrance). Miss Cra — 

julia (cutting him short). Oh, you needn't protest. 
I'm used to it : It's the only sort of attachment I seem al- 
ways to inspire. (Ironically) You can't think how flatter- 
ing it is ! 

paramore. My dear Miss Craven, what a cynical thing 
to say! You! who are loved at first sight by the people in 
the street as you pass. Why, in the club I can tell by the 
faces of the men whether you have been lately in the room 
or not. 

julia (shrinking fiercely). Oh, I hate that look in their 
faces. Do you know that I have never had one human be- 
ing care for me since I was born ? 

paramore. That's not true, Miss Craven. Even if it 
were true of your father, and of Charteris, who loves you 
madly in spite of your dislike for him, it is not true of me. 

julia (startled). Who told you that about Charteris? 

paramore. Why, he himself. 

julia (with deep, poignant conviction). He cares for only 
one person in the world ; and that is himself. There is 
not in his whole nature one unselfish spot. He would not 
spend one hour of his real life with — (a sob chokes her : 
she rises passionately, crying) You are all alike, every one of 
you. Even my father only makes a pet of me. (She goes 
away to the fireplace and stands with her back to him. ) 



76 The Philanderer Act IV 

paramore {following her humbly). I don't deserve this 
from you : indeed I do not. 

julia {rating him). Then why do you talk about me 
with Charteris, behind my back? 

paramore. We said nothing disparaging of you. No- 
body shall ever do that in my presence. We spoke of the 
subject nearest our hearts. 

julia. His heart! Oh, God, his heart! (She sits down 
on the couch and hides her face.) 

paramore (sadly). I am afraid you love him, for all that, 
Miss Craven. 

julia {raising her head instantly). If he says that, he lies. 
If ever you hear it said that I cared for him, contradict it: 
it is false. 

paramore {quickly advancing to her). Miss Craven: is 
the way clear for me then? 

julia (pettishly — losing interest in the conversation and 
looking crossly into the f re). What do you mean? 

paramore (impetuously). You must see what I mean. 
Contradict the rumour of your attachment to Charteris, not 
by words — it has gone too far for that — but by becoming 
my wife. (Earnestly.) Believe me: it is not merely your 
beauty that attracts me: (Julia, interested, looks up at him 
quickly) I know other beautiful women. It is your heart, 
your sincerity, your sterling reality, (Julia rises and gazes 
at him, breathless with a new hope) your great gifts of char- 
acter that are only half developed because you have never 
been understood by those about you. 

julia {looking intently at him, and yet beginning to be 
derisively sceptical in spite of herself). Have you really 
seen all that in me ? 

paramore. I have felt it. I have been alone in the 
world; and I need you, Julia. That is how I have divined 
that you, also, are alone in the world. 



Act IV The Philanderer 77 

julia (with theatrical pathos). You are right there. I 
am indeed alone in the world. 

paramore {timidly approaching her). With you I should 
not be alone. And you ? — with me ? 

julia. You! (She gets quickly out of his reach, taking 
refuge at the tea-table.) No, no. I can't bring myself — 
{She breaks off, perplexed, and looks uneasily about her.) Oh, 
I don't know what to do. You will expect too much from 
me. {She sits down.) 

paramore. I have more faith in you than you have in 
yourself. Your nature is richer than you think. 

julia {doubtfully). Do you really believe that I am 
not the shallow, jealous, devilish tempered creature they 
all pretend I am ? 

paramore. I am ready to place my happiness in your 
hands. Does that prove what I think of you ? 

julia. Yes: I believe you really care for me. {He 
approaches her eagerly : she has a violent revulsion, and rises 
with her hand raised as if to beat him off, crying) No, no, 
no, no. I cannot. It 's impossible. {She goes towards 
the door. ) 

paramore {looking wistfully after her). Is it Charteris ? 

julia {stopping and turning). Ah, you think that ! {She 
comes back.) Listen to me. If I say yes, will you promise 
not to touch me — to give me time to accustom myself to 
the idea of our new relations ? 

paramore. I promise most faithfully. I would not press 
you for the world. 

julia. Then — then — yes: I promise. {He is about to utter 
his rapture; she will not have it.) Now, not another word 
of it. Let us forget it. {She resumes her seat at the table.) 
Give me some more tea. {He hastens to his former seat. 
As he passes, she puts her left hand on his arm and says) Be 
good to me, Percy, I need it sorely. 



78 The Philanderer Act IV 

par amor e (transported). You have called me Percy! 
Hurrah ! ( Charter is and Craven come in. Par amor e hastens 
to meet them, beaming. ) Delighted to see you here with 
me, Colonel Craven. And you, too, Charteris. Sit down. 
{The Colonel sits down on the end of the couch.) Where 
are the others? 

charteris. Sylvia has dragged Cuthbertson off into the 
Burlington Arcade to buy some caramels. He likes to 
encourage her in eating caramels: he thinks it *s a womanly 
taste. Besides, he likes them himself. They '11 be here 
presently. (He strolls across to the cabinet and pretends to 
study the Rembrandt photography so as to be as far out of 
Julia' s reach as possible.) 

craven. Yes; and Charteris has been trying to persuade 
me that there's a short cut between Cork Street and Savile 
Row somewhere in Conduit Street. Now did you ever hear 
such nonsense? Then he said my coat was getting shabby, 
and wanted me to go into Poole's and order a new one. 
Paramore: is my coat shabby? 

paramore. Not that I can see. 

craven. I should think not. Then he wanted to draw 
me into a dispute about the Egyptian war. We should 
have been here quarter of an hour ago only for his non- 
sense. 

charteris (still contemplating Rembrandt). I did my best 
to keep him from disturbing you, Paramore. 

paramore (gratefully). You have come in the nick of 
time. Colonel Craven: I have something very particular 
to say to you. 

craven (springing up in alarm). In private, Paramore: 
now really it must be in private. 

paramore (surprised) . Of course. I was about to sug- 
gest my consulting room: there's nobody there. Miss 
Craven: will you excuse me: Charteris will entertain you 
until I return. (He leads the wav to the green baize door.) 






Act IV The Philanderer 79 

charteris (aghast}. Oh, I say, hadn't you better wait 
until the others come ? 

paramore (exultant}. No need for further delay now, 
my best friend. (He wrings Charteris* s hand.) Will you 
come, Colonel ? 

craven. At your service, Paramore: at your service. 
(Craven and Paramore go into the consulting room. Julia 
turns her head and stares insolently at Charteris. His nerves 
play him false: be is completely out of countenance in a 
moment. She rises suddenly. He starts, and comes hastily 
forward between the table and the bookcase. She crosses to 
that side behind the table; and he immediately crosses to the 
opposite side in front of it, dodging her.) 

charteris (nervously). Don't, Julia. Now don't abuse 
your advantage. You've got me here at your mercy. Be 
good for once; and don't make a scene. 

julia (contemptuously). Do you suppose I am going to 
touch you ? 

charteris. No. Of course not. (She comes forward on 
her side of the table. He retreats on his side of it. She 
looks at him with utter scorn; sweeps across to the couch; and 
sits down imperially. With a great sigh of relief he drops 
into Paramore* s chair.) 

julia. Come here. I have something to say to you. 

charteris. Yes ? (He rolls the chair a few inches towards 
her.) 

julia. Come here, I say. I am not going to shout 
across the room at you. Are you afraid of me ? 

charteris. Horribly. (He moves the chair slowly, with 
great misgiving, to the end of the couch.) 

julia (with studied insolence). Has that woman told you 
that she has given you up to me without an attempt to 
defend her conquest ? 

charteris (whispering persuasively). Shew that you are 
capable of the same sacrifice. Give me ud, too. 



80 The Philanderer Act IV 

julia. Sacrifice! And so you think I'm dying to marry 
you, do you ? 

charteris. I am afraid your intentions have been hon- 
ourable, Julia. 

julia. You cad ! 

charteris (with a sigh). I confess I am something either 
more or less than a gentleman, Julia. You once gave me the 
benefit of the doubt. 

julia. Indeed ! / never told you so. If you cannot 
behave like a gentleman, you had better go back to the 
society of the woman who has given you up — if such a 
cold-blooded, cowardly creature can be called a woman. 
(She rises majestically ; be makes bis cbair Jly back to the 
table.) I know you now, Leonard Charteris, through and 
through, in all your falseness, your petty spite, your cruelty 
and your vanity. The place you coveted has been won 
by a man more worthy of it. 

charteris (springing up, and coming close to her, gasping 
with eagerness). What do you mean? Out with it. Have 
you accep — 

julia. I am engaged to Dr. Paramore. 

charteris (enraptured). My own Julia! (He attempts 
to embrace her.) 

julia (recoiling — be catching her hands and holding them). 
How dare you! Are you mad? Do you wish me to call 
Dr. Paramore? 

charteris. Call everybody, my darling — everybody 
in London. Now I shall no longer have to be brutal — 
to defend myself — to go in fear of you. How I have 
looked forward to this day! You know now that I don't 
want you to marry me or to love me: Paramore can have 
all that. I only want to look on and rejoice disinterestedly 
in the happiness of (kissing her band) my dear Julia 
(kissing the other), my beautiful Julia. (She tears her hands 
away and raises them as if to strike bim, as she did the night 



Act IV The Philanderer 81 

before at Cuthbertson f s.) No use to threaten me now: I 
am not afraid of those hands — the loveliest hands in the 
world. 

julia. How have you the face to turn round like this 
after insulting and torturing me ! 

charteris. Never mind, dearest: you never did under- 
stand me; and you never will. Our vivisecting friend has 
made a successful experiment at last. 

julia (earnestly). It is you who are the vivisector — a 
far crueller, more wanton vivisector than he. 

charteris. Yes; but then I learn so much more from 
my experiments than he does! And the victims learn as 
much as I do. That's where my moral superiority comes 
in. 

julia (sitting down again on the couch with rueful 
humour'). Well, you shall not experiment on me any more- 
Go to your Grace if you want a victim. She'll be a tough 
one. 

charteris (reproachfully sitting down beside her'). And 
you drove me to propose to her to escape from you! Sup- 
pose she had accepted me, where should I be now? 

julia. Where / am, I suppose, now that I have ac- 
cepted Paramore. 

charteris. But I should have made Grace unhappy. 
(Julia sneers.) However, now I come to think of it, you'll 
make Paramore unhappy. And yet if you refused him he 
would be in despair. Poor devil! 

julia (her temper fashing up for a moment again). He 
is a better man than you. 

charteris (humbly). I grant you that, my dear. 

julia (impetuously). Don't call me your dear. And what 
do you mean by saying that I shall make him unhappy? 
Am I not good enough for him? 

charteris (dubiously). Well, that depends on what you 
mean by good enough. 



82 The Philanderer Act IV 

julia (earnestly) . You might have made me good if you 
had chosen to. You had a great power over me. I was 
like a child in your hands; and you knew it. 

charteris {with comic acquiescence). Yes, my dear. That 
means that whenever you got jealous and flew into a 
violent rage, I could always depend on it's ending happily 
if I only waited long enough, and petted you very hard all 
the time. When you had had your fling, and called the 
object of your jealousy every name you could lay your 
tongue to, and abused me to your heart's content for a 
couple of hours, then the reaction would come; and you 
would at last subside into a soothing rapture of affection 
which gave you a sensation of being angelically good and 
forgiving. Oh, I know that sort of goodness ! You may 
have thought on these occasions that I was bringing out 
your latent amiability; but I thought you were bringing 
out mine, and using up rather more than your fair share 
of it. 

julia. According to you, then, I have no good in me! 
I am an utterly vile, worthless woman. Is that it? 

charteris. Yes, if you are to be judged as you judge 
others. From the conventional point of view, there's 
nothing to be said for you, Julia — nothing. That's why I 
have to find some other point of view to save my self- 
respect when I remember how I have loved you. Oh, 
what I have learnt from you ! — from you, who could learn 
nothing from me ! I made a fool of you; and you brought 
me wisdom: I broke your heart; and you brought me joy: 
I made you curse your womanhood; and you revealed my 
manhood to me. Blessings forever and ever on my Julia's 
name ! ( With genuine emotion, be takes ber band to kiss 
it >again. ) 

julia {snatching ber band away in disgust). Oh, stop 
talking that nasty sneering stuff. 

charteris {laughingly appealing to the heavens'). She calls 



Act IV The Philanderer 83 

it nasty sneering stuff! Well, well: I'll never talk like that 
to you again, dearest. It only means that you are a beau- 
tiful woman, and that we all love you. 

julia. Don't say that: I hate it. It sounds as if I were 
a mere animal. 

charteris. Hm! A fine animal is a very wonderful 
thing. Don't let us disparage animals, Julia. 

julia. That is what you really think me. 

charteris. Come, Julia: you don't expect me to admire 
you for your moral qualities, do you? (She turns and looks 
hard at him. He starts up apprehensively and backs away 
from her. She rises and follows him up slowly and intently. ) 

julia (deliberately) . I have seen you very much infatuated 
with this depraved creature who has no moral qualities. 

charteris (retreating). Keep off, Julia. Remember 
your new obligations to Paramore. 

julia {overtaking him in the middle of the room). Never 
mind Paramore: that is my business. (She grasps the 
lappels of his coat in her hands, and looks fixedly at him.) Oh, 
if the people you talk so cleverly to could only know you 
as 1 know you! Sometimes I wonder at myself for ever 
caring for you. 

charteris (beaming at her*). Only sometimes? 

julia. You fraud! You humbug! You miserable little 
plaster saint! (He looks delighted.) Oh! (In a paroxysm 
half of rage, half of tenderness, she shakes him, growling 
over him like a tigress over her cub. Paramore and Craven 
at this moment return from the consulting room, and are 
thunderstruck at the spectacle.) 

craven (shouting, utterly scandalized). Julia!! (Julia 
releases Charteris, but stands her ground disdainfully as they 
come forward, Craven on her left, Paramore on her right.) 

paramore. What's the matter? 

charteris. Nothing, nothing. You'll soon get used to 
this, Paramore. 



84 The Philanderer Act IV 

craven. Now really, Julia, this is a very extraordinary 
way to behave. It's not fair to Paramore. 

julia (coldly). If Dr. Paramore objects he can break off 
our engagement. ( To Paramore) Pray don't hesitate. 

paramore (looking doubtfully and anxiously at her). Do 
you wish me to break it off? 

charteris (alarmed). Nonsense! don't act so hastily. 
It was my fault. I annoyed Miss Craven — insulted her. 
Hang it all, don't go and spoil everything like this. 

craven. This is most infernally perplexing. I can't 
believe that you insulted Julia, Charteris. I've no doubt 
you annoyed her — you'd annoy anybody: upon my soul 
you would — but insult ! — now what do you mean by 
that? 

paramore (very earnestly). Miss Craven: in all delicacy 
and sincerity I ask you to be frank with me. What are 
the relations between you and Charteris? 

julia. Ask him. (She goes to the fireplace, turning her 
back on them.) 

charteris. Certainly: I'll confess. I'm in love with 
Miss Craven — always have been; and I've persecuted her 
with my addresses ever since I knew her. It's been 
no use: she utterly despises me. A moment ago the 
spectacle of a rival's happiness stung me to make a nasty, 
sneering speech; and she — well, she just shook me a little, 
as you saw. 

paramore (chivalrously). I shall never forget that you 
helped me to win her, Charteris. (Julia turns quickly, a 
spasm of fury in her face.) 

charteris. Sh! For Heaven's sake don't mention it. 

Craven. This is a very different story to the one you 
told Cuthbertson and myself this morning. You'll excuse 
my saying that it sounds much more like the truth. Come: 
you were humbugging us, weren't you? 

charteris. Ask Julia. (Paramore and Craven turn to 



Act IV The Philanderer 85 

Julia. Charteris remains doggedly looking straight before 
him.) 

julia. It's quite true. He has been in love with me; 
he has persecuted me; and I utterly despise him. 

craven. Don't rub it in, Julia: it's not kind. No man 
is quite himself when he's crossed in love. {To Charteris.) 
Now listen to me, Charteris. When I was a young fellow, 
Cuthbertson and I fell in love with the same woman. She 
preferred Cuthbertson. I was taken aback: I won't deny 
it. But I knew my duty; and I did it. I gave her up 
and wished Cuthbertson joy. He told me this morning, 
when we met after many years, that he has respected and 
liked me ever since for it. And I believe him and feel the 
better for it. (Impressively.) Now, Charteris, Paramore 
and you stand to-day where Cuthbertson and I stood on a 
certain July evening thirty -five years ago. How are you 
going to take it? 

julia (indignantly). How is he going to take it, indeed! 
Really, papa, this is too much. If Mrs. Cuthbertson 
wouldn't have you, it may have been very noble of you to 
make a virtue of giving her up, just as you made a virtue 
of being a teetotaller when Percy cut off your wine. But 
he shan't be virtuous over me. I have refused him; and 
if he doesn't like it he can — he can — 

charteris. I can lump it. Precisely. Craven: you 
can depend on me. I'll lump it. (He moves off non- 
chalantly, and leans against the bookcase with his hands in his 
pockets.) 

craven (hurt). Julia: you don't treat me respectfully. I 
don't wish to complain; but that was not a becoming speech. 

julia (bursting into tears and throwing herself into the 
large chair). Is there anyone in the world who has any 
feeling for me — who does not think me utterly vile? 
(Craven and Paramore hurry to her in the greatest consterna- 
tion.) 



86 The Philanderer Act IV 

craven (remorsefully). My pet: I didn*t for a moment 
mean — 

julia. Must I stand to be bargained for by two men — 
passed from one to the other like a slave in the market, and 
not say a word in my own defence? 

craven. But, my love — 

julia. Oh, go away, all of you. Leave me. I — oh 
— {She gives way to a passion of tears.) 

paramore {reproachfully to Craven). You've wounded 
her cruelly, Colonel Craven — cruelly. 

craven. But I didn't mean to: I said nothing. Char- 
teris: was I harsh? 

charteris. You forget the revolt of the daughters, 
Craven. And you certainly wouldn't have gone on 
like that to any grown up woman who was not your 
daughter. 

craven. Do you mean to say that I am expected to treat 
my daughter the same as I would any other girl? 

paramore. I should say certainly, Colonel Craven. 

craven. Well, dash me if I will. There! 

paramore. If you take that tone, I have nothing more 
to say. (He crosses the room with offended dignity and posts 
himself with his back to the bookcase beside Charteris.) 

julia (with a sob). Daddy. 

craven (turning solicitously to her). Yes, my love. 

julia (looking up at him tearfully and kissing his hand). 
Don't mind them. You didn't mean it, Daddy, did you? 

craven. No, no, my precious. Come: don't cry. 

paramore (to Charteris, looking at Julia with delight). 
How beautiful she is! 

charteris (throwing up his hands). Oh, Lord help you, 
Paramore ! (He leaves the bookcase and sits at the end of 
the couch farthest from the fire. Meanwhile Sylvia arrives.) 

svlvla (contemplating Julia). Crying again! Well, you 
area womanly one ! 



Act IV The Philanderer 87 

craven. Don't worry your sister, Sylvia. You know she 
can't bear it. 

sylvia. I speak for her good, Dad. All the world can't 
be expected to know that she's the family baby. 

julia. You will get your ears boxed presently, Silly. 

craven. Now, now, now, my dear children, really now! 
Come, Julia: put up your handkerchief before Mrs. Tran- 
field sees you. She's coming along with Jo. 

julia {rising). That woman again! 

sylvia. Another row ! Go it, Julia ! 

craven. Hold your tongue, Sylvia. (He turns command- 
ingly to Julia.) Now look here, Julia. 

charteris. Hallo ! A revolt of the fathers ! 

craven. Silence, Charteris. ( To Julia, unanswerably.) 
The test of a man or woman's breeding is how they be- 
have in a quarrel. Anybody can behave well when things 
are going smoothly. Now you said to-day, at that iniquit- 
ous club, that you were not a womanly woman. Very 
well: I don't mind. But if you are not going to behave 
like a lady when Mrs. Tranfield comes into this room, 
you've got to behave like a gentleman; or fond as I am of 
you, I'll cut you dead exacdy as I would if you were my son. 

paramore {remonstrating) . Colonel Craven — 

craven (cutting bim short). Don't be a fool, Paramore. 

julia (tearfully excusing herself). I'm sure, Daddy — 

craven. Stop snivelling. I'm net speaking as your Daddy 
now: I'm speaking as your commanding officer. 

sylvia. Good old Victoria Cross! (Craven turns sharply 
on her; and she darts away behind Charteris, and presently 
seats herself on the couch, so that she and Charteris are shoulder 
to shoulder, facing opposite ways. Cuthbertson arrives with 
Grace, who remains near the door whilst her father joins the 
others.) 

craven. Ah, Jo, here you are. Now, Paramore, tell 
'em the news. 



88 The Philanderer Act IV 

paramore. Mrs. Tranfield — Cuthbertson — allow me 
to introduce you to my future wife. 

cuthbertson (coming forward to shake bands with Para- 
more). My heartiest congratulations! (Paramore goes to 
shake hands with Grace.) Miss Craven: you will accept 
Grace's congratulations as well as mine, I hope. 

craven. She will, Jo. (In a tone of command.) Now, 
Julia. {Julia slowly rises.) 

cuthbertson. Now, Grace. (He conducts her to Julia's 
right; then posts himself on the hearthrug, with his back to 
the fire, watching them. The Colonel keeps guard on the 
other side.) 

grace (speaking in a low voice to Julia alone). So you 
have shewn him that you can do without him! Now I 
take back everything I said. Will you shake hands with 
me ? ( Julia gives her hand painfully, with her face averted. ) 
They think this a happy ending, Julia — these men — 
our lords and masters ! (The two stand silent, hand in hand. ) 

sylvia (leaning back across the couch, aside to Charter is). 
Has she really chucked you? (He nods assent. She looks 
at him dubiously, and adds) I expect you chucked her. 

cuthbertson. And now, Paramore, mind you don't stand 
any chaff from Charteris about this. He' sin the same pre- 
dicament himself. He's engaged to Grace. 

julia (dropping Grace's hand, and speaking with breath- 
less anguish, but not violently). Again! 

charteris (rising hastily). Don't be alarmed. It's all off. 

sylvia (rising indignantly). What! You've chucked 
Grace too! What a shame! (She goes to the other side of 
the room, fuming. ) 

charteris (following her and putting his hand soothingly 
tn her shoulder). She won't have me, old chap — that is 
(turning to the others) unless Mrs. Tranfield has changed 
her mind again. 

grace. No: we shall remain very good friends, I hope; 



Act IV The Philanderer 89 

but nothing would induce me to marry you. (She goes t* 
chair above the fireplace and sits down with perfect com- 
posure.') 

julia. Ah ! (She sits down with a great sigh of relief.) 

SYLVIA (consoling Charteris). Poor old Leonard ! 

charteris. Yes : this is the doom of the philanderer. 
I shall have to go on philandering now all my life. No 
domesticity, no fireside, no little ones, nothing at all in 
Cuthbertson' s line ! Nobody will marry me — unless you, 
Sylvia— eh? 

sylvia. Not if I know it, Charteris. 

charteris (to them all). You see ! 

craven (coming between Charteris and Sylvia). Now you 
really shouldn't make a jest of these things : upon my life 
and soul you shouldn't, Charteris. 

cuthbertson (on the hearthrug). The only use he can 
find for sacred things is to make a jest of them. That's 
the New Order. Thank Heaven, we belong to the Old 
Order, Dan ! 

charteris. Cuthbertson : don't be symbolic. 

cuthbertson (outraged). Symbolic! That is an ac- 
cusation of Ibsenism. What do you mean? 

charteris. Symbolic of the Old Order. Don't per- 
suade yourself that you represent the Old Order. There 
never was any Old Order. 

craven. There I flatly contradict you and stand up for 
Jo. I'd no more have behaved as you do when I was a 
young man than I'd have cheated at cards, /belong to 
the Old Order. 

charteris. You're getting old, Craven ; and you want 
to make a merit of it, as usual. 

craven, Come, now, Charteris : you're not offended, I 
hope. (With a conciliatory outburst.) Well, perhaps I 
shouldn't have said that about cheating at cards. I with- 
draw it {offering his hand). 



90 The Philanderer Act IV 

charteris {taking Craven* j band). No offence, my dear 
Craven : none in the world. I didn't mean to shew any 
temper. But (aside, after looking round to see whether the 
others are listening) only just consider ! — the spectacle of a 
rival's happiness ! 

craven {aloud, decisively'), Charteris: now you've got 
to behave like a man. Your duty's plain before you. (To 
Cuthbertson.) Am I right, Jo ? 

cuthbertson (firmly). You are, Dan. 

craven (to Charteris). Go straight up and congratulate 
Julia. And do it like a gentleman, smiling. 

charteris. Colonel : I will. Not a muscle shall betray 
the conflict within. 

craven. Julia : Charteris has not congratulated you yet. 
He's coming to do it. (Julia rises and fixes a dangerous 
look on Charteris.) 

sylvia (whispering quickly behind Charteris as he is about 
to advance). Take care. She's going to hit you. I know 
her. (Charteris stops and looks cautiously at Julia, measur- 
ing the situation. They regard one another steadfastly for a 
moment. Grace softly rises and gets close to Julia.) 

charteris (whispering over his shoulder to Sylvia). I'll 
chance it. (He walks confidently up to Julia.) Julia? 
(He proffers his hand.) 

julia (exhausted, allowing herself to take it). You are 
right. I am a worthless woman, 

charteris (triumphant, and gaily remonstrating). Oh, 
why? 

julia. Because I am not brave enough to kill you. 

grace (taking her in her arms as she sinks, almost fainting, 
away from him). Oh, no. Never make a hero of a phil- 
anderer. (Charteris, amused and untouched, shakes his head 
laughingly. The rest look at Julia with concern, and even a 
little awe, feeling for the first time the presence of a keen 
sorrow. ) 



LBFe'U 



tfOY 13 131S 



THE 

PHILANDERER 

AN UNPLEASANT PLAY 

By 

BERNARD SHAW 




NEW YORK 

BRENTANO'S 
1913 

Price 40 cents net 



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PLAYS 

The following Plays by Bernard Shaw are issued 
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Price 40 cents net per volume 

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ARMS AND THE MAN 

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CAPTAIN BRASSBOUND'S CONVERSION 

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JOHN BULL'S OTHER ISLAND 

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THE MAN OF DESTINY, AND HOW HE 

LIED TO HER HUSBAND 
THE DOCTOR'S DILEMMA 
GETTING MARRIED 
THE SHEWING-UP OF BLANCO POSNET 
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